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Hum drum
The hum drum glum
Low down days
Buzz and thrum
Drone on incessantly
Trapped, sapped of energy
Cramped in soulless mundane lives.
missing opportunities at every turn
Passed out, strung out
Apathetic, the throb and dull ache
smashing our will
Zapping and snapping nerves
Brittle In the chill of reality
Calling to someone to let us out
We have the right
To take flight
In the pursuit of freedom
Vacate this. Pointless conformity
Expand our chests
And experience the length and breadth of it all
Editing stage:
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Comments
Candlewitch
Sat, 2012-04-07 23:33
Dear Lou,
We have the right
To take flight
In the pursuit of freedom
Vacate this. Pointless conformity
Expand our chests
And experience the length and breadth of it all
very well penned!!!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Ian.T
Sun, 2012-04-08 02:40
Lou
A lovely picture of the lives we fall into and accept as everyday things.
If only we had the guts to leave and go out, where we would find maybe a fresh life that gave us a little excitement.
Probably why a lot of us write poetry as it is an escape from those places be it only a short one.
I send you the flowers of our spring and the songs of the birds outside my window telling stories of struggles and a new life to be, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
lou
Sun, 2012-04-08 06:02
thank you
ian and cat
love lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
scribbler
Sun, 2012-04-08 09:17
hi lou
And here I was expecting an ode to the vibrator rotflmao. But this is really good even to an old perverted rhymer........stan
lou
Sun, 2012-04-08 12:27
Stan you old perv
clean out your mind lol
Glad that you liked it
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
judyanne
Sun, 2012-04-08 14:49
hi lou
favourite lines in a great write
‘Passed out, strung out
Apathetic, the throb and dull ache
Braking our will’
‘Braking our will’ – is this intentional word play or a typo?
- say it is clever word play lou :)
‘The hum drum glum
Low down days
Buzz and hum
Drone on and on’
to avoid the repeating of hum,
can I suggest ‘thrum’ for the second one?
‘Zapping and snapping nerves brittle’ – reverse syntax – sounds awkward (imho of course lol)
any reason for not saying it as ‘Zapping and snapping brittle nerves’ ?
i enjoyed this
- some good internal rhymes, asssonance, alliteration etc
gave it a great sound
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
lou
Mon, 2012-04-09 00:48
Hey judy Anne
long time no see , glad to see you back !!!
Thanks for the read I'll take a look at your suggestions.
Love lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Nordic cloud
Sun, 2012-04-08 14:57
Brittle in the chill of reality
My mind was tap dancing with the words in the first four llnes,
I agree with you here, as you know by now with my explosions.
"Zapping and snapping nerves
Brittle in the chill of reality" I've changed the place of brittle?
I think it give the sentence here more impact.
Nordic cloud
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
judyanne
Sun, 2012-04-08 15:03
hello - jumping in :)
i like that idea annanya
xx
two votes for that now lou xx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
lou
Mon, 2012-04-09 00:50
Thank you
i think you are right.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
weirdelf
Wed, 2012-04-25 01:17
I can see the beat.
True.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
lou
Thu, 2012-04-26 16:05
Jess
thanks
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Roscoe Lane
Wed, 2012-04-25 01:29
Terrific,
Terrific poem, on what is most of our lives.Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
lou
Thu, 2012-04-26 16:04
Roscoe
thank you
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
weirdelf
Sun, 2012-04-29 23:48
Re-reading
Half way through I was hating it then it grabbed me and shook me, brilliant!
it was starting out as a pure dpression poem
: but you brought the edginess and life that exists even in deep depression back into it. I love it
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
lou
Mon, 2012-04-30 10:15
Jess
thanks i'm glad that you like it
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Esker
Tue, 2012-05-01 00:58
some good work in here
imagine how I felt
when this poem lept at me
Wow Lou!
this is great
like rushing a rapids
with a pocket full of stones
before long I was paddling
fast!!
Thanks
lou
Tue, 2012-05-01 18:03
Stephen
thanks
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!