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Morticia...

Submitted by Geezer on Thu, 2024-06-20 08:21

"My Morticia, you're an ice-cold bitch,"
he thinks, unto himself.
"You don't believe my need for you,
you try to put me on the shelf."

From inside Morticia's head:

"We've so few that pass this way,
perhaps no one comes for years,
please dear one, we'll be good,"
in little sister's voice of tears"

"Very well", she murmurs
slight put out at this.
She braces for his ardent hug,
his smoldering lips, up in a kiss

His lips curl in anticipation,
thoughts of comfort food in bed.
consummation of his manly ego,
he celebrates... inside his head.

His thoughts are clear as day,
she can read them on his face.
Once she's his, she'll matter not
and quickly be replaced.

The room is cold and drafty,
draperies blowing in the breeze
She tells this man, Rich Miller
"Quick, climb in or freeze"

Fire warmed hands before him,
he parts the covers and lies down.
He jumps at the ice of Morticia,
He blinks at her little frown.

"My dear, we should cling together;"
with an obvious hint at sex.
She looks at him, all a tremor,
wondering what comes next.

"Oh, my sweet Morticia dear,
come to me and yield."
His member stands straight up
like a soldier in the field.

He gasps at the icy clasp of her,
she holds him tighter yet.
Her cold lips cause him shudders,
he thinks he knows why they are wet.

Frozen flesh, not ever warmed
by passion's heated grip,
she doesn't think of the 'bloody deed'
just a few, little warming sips.

His piteous cries as he realized
he should have bolted for the door.
He had been safe, he should have left
but he had to try once more.

Stupid is as stupid does,
now he's drained of all his life.
He had to have what he wanted
even though he had a wife.

His gold wasn't wanted or needed.
She only wanted fidelity.
Now, he lies cold on a marble slab
and Morticia's sisters feed.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2024-06-20 14:22

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Morticia" presents a narrative that is both engaging and chilling, utilizing a strong sense of imagery and character development to convey its story. The poem's structure and rhythm could benefit from some refinement to enhance its overall impact.

The poem does well in establishing its characters and setting, using dialogue and internal thoughts to reveal their motivations and personalities. The use of alternating perspectives between Morticia and the man, Rich Miller, adds depth to the narrative and keeps the reader engaged. However, the transition between these perspectives could be smoother to avoid confusion.

The poem's imagery is vivid and contributes to the eerie, chilling atmosphere. Phrases such as "the ice of Morticia" and "cold on a marble slab" effectively convey the coldness and deathly nature of Morticia. However, some metaphors, such as "his member stands straight up like a soldier in the field," may come off as clichéd and could be replaced with more original and evocative comparisons.

The poem's rhythm and meter are inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow of the narrative and make it difficult for the reader to follow. Establishing a consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme could enhance the poem's musicality and make it more enjoyable to read.

The poem's theme of desire leading to one's downfall is effectively conveyed through the narrative and the fate of Rich Miller. However, the moral message "Stupid is as stupid does" feels somewhat out of place and could be integrated more subtly into the narrative.

Finally, the poem's ending could be more impactful. The last line "and Morticia's sisters feed" suggests a continuation of the narrative but does not provide a satisfying conclusion to the poem. A more definitive ending could leave a stronger impression on the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

RoseBlack

Thu, 2024-06-20 14:54

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Is awesome! I may relate to the characters as they seem familiar. I have nothing I would change about this. It gave me chills, made me smile and even laugh a little. Well done!

~RoseBlack~

kowque

Fri, 2024-06-21 22:15

kowque's picture

But,you are so good with painting pictures with words

So I appreciate the artistic value of this piece

Koki

Geezer

Sat, 2024-06-22 22:34

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my stuff does get a little creepy now and then, but I'm glad that you enjoyed the artistic value. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

tyro

Sat, 2024-06-22 17:15

I enjoyed the story very much. thank you.

tyro

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Geezer

Sat, 2024-06-22 22:41

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that you enjoyed the story, it was taken from a comment someone made in a conversation. We were talking about an ex-lover
and that person used the name Morticia [a popular T.V. character] who is supposed to be undead, and therefore cold.]
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Lavender

Sun, 2024-06-23 15:40

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Hello, Geezer,
One of your creepiest - indeediest! You are the Master!
L

Geezer

Mon, 2024-06-24 08:53

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it is one of the creepier ones of late. Killer has been avoiding me lately and I just had to have a bit of morose, brooding, creepy stuff. I know that not everyone enjoys the macabre, but I have been told that it is at least a good tale. Thank you for your read and comment. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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