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Abort Mission

Submitted by Apostolos "Paul... on Wed, 2024-07-24 16:52

Breathe in
And out
Do whatever it
Takes

Jump out of bed
Trip over my phone charger
Crash to the floor

Find my phone
Trying to call for help
Is there somebody there
Or am I a one-man army?

Fear at it again
Check my heart rate
Faster than a bullet train

Crawl to the couch
As I hear, "Are you okay?"
Slowly stand to my feet
The room steadies, no longer
A magic carpet ride

Run to the desk
Throw the bills to the floor
Turn on the computer
Ignore upcoming updates
Open an empty document
Start to write a poem

The voice in my head says,
"Damn it, he did it again
He's letting his keyboard
Do jumping jacks"

He continues, "Abort mission
Retreat, you fools
He’s killing us with stanzas"

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Wed, 2024-07-24 22:53

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Abort Mission" effectively uses vivid and dynamic imagery to depict a chaotic morning routine, which is then humorously juxtaposed with the act of writing a poem. This contrast serves to highlight the urgency and intensity that the speaker feels towards the creative process.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of metaphors and similes. For instance, the metaphor of the "bullet train" for the fast heart rate is effective, but such figurative language is not consistently used throughout the poem. The inclusion of more metaphors could enhance the overall imagery and contribute to the poem's thematic depth.

The poem also contains a shift in perspective when the speaker begins to quote the voice in their head. This shift is somewhat abrupt and could be made smoother with the use of transitional phrases or a clearer demarcation of the change in perspective.

Lastly, the conclusion of the poem could be improved. The current ending leaves the reader with the voice in the speaker's head, which somewhat detracts from the speaker's own perspective. A stronger conclusion might return to the speaker's perspective, reinforcing the poem's focus on the personal experience of the creative process.

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