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Time Slip
I'm tired but my day won't end,
too much that isn't done.
I started this day yesterday,
laying down
but sleep won't come.
So many things are unattended
but I cannot even move,
the demands won't stop
on the bed I've dropped
maybe my mind will follow soon.
Wake up to a brand new day,
still tired from before,
the phone calls start,
loaded down with sparks,
I am anything but bored.
The rush fires up,
gotta move my butt,
still not ready to go on.
I'm tired as the day begins,
turn around, and this one's gone.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-08-30 07:30
Rosi,
your feedback is becoming so much more perceptive.
It might not mean what Richard intended, but rember, the poem is yours, once he has given it to you.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
themoonman
Tue, 2011-08-30 08:24
Rosi ...
This is what we want here, to know that our intended
message or theme has been placed into the readers thoughts.
Thank you so much for your comment.
We are none any better or worse, we all have good days and
bad ones, brilliance and downright stupidity, all part of the human
condition, and the best thing about it is this, we don't stop learning
until we're gone.
loved
Mon, 2011-08-29 16:23
This is like
a guy
who had lots to do ,
but kicked the bucket
bit too soon.
Regards Sir and best wishes
you still have to see
another 1000 full moons
loved
themoonman
Tue, 2011-08-30 08:26
Loved ...
only a 1000, hopefully with little resistance.
thanks
loved
Tue, 2011-08-30 08:42
Ah
may be more than a thousand perhaps
you are still young
loved
themoonman
Tue, 2011-08-30 08:28
Eph ...
good to see ya back, glad you liked this little slip of mine.
Geezer
Mon, 2011-08-29 19:39
Been there...
and done that, so I truly know where you are coming from Richard. I wish you much luck in this frantic life, and the strength to write more of this work. I also wish you long life, so that you might live long enough to enjoy what you have built. Good poem, by the way! ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
themoonman
Tue, 2011-08-30 08:30
Hi Gee...
thank you sir, and I wish the same for you and yours,
may we all have some less frantic moments and peace
in our hearts.
weirdelf
Tue, 2011-08-30 07:31
My only crit in this fine poem,
is that you lose the meter occasionally.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
themoonman
Tue, 2011-08-30 08:33
Hi Jess ...
Yes, it does lose meter in a couple of places,
you should've seen it before I called myself fixing it.
Every since you were talking about meter, I've been
working on it some, and this is the result.
thanks
Kailashana2
Tue, 2011-08-30 09:30
So, is today a good day,
So, is today a good day, Richard?
;-)
~A
themoonman
Tue, 2011-08-30 10:57
Yes
It is now Anna, it is now !
scribbler
Tue, 2011-08-30 11:04
Hi Richard
It seems the days are either empty and drag or are filled and pass in a wink lol. For self-employed the happy medium is rare i know. This poem is an excellent example of how well near rhyming can work...........stan
themoonman
Wed, 2011-08-31 13:24
Hi Stan ...
Thanks man, near rhyming, that's pretty much the only
kind of rhyme I use, when I use any that is.
themoonman
Wed, 2011-08-31 13:25
Hi Lonnie ...
Thanks, appreciate your words here sir.
Nichole
Wed, 2011-11-02 22:39
Bravo!
That one most describes my days!!! lol. Very good! i like this one a lot!!!