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Lorraine(Workshop Submission Storytelling In verse)
Lorraine, even her name
Is a tinkling of rain drops to my ear
Red velvet grown clinging to every curve in her body
The ebon hair exposing a delicate neck
Crystal blue eyes that glowed, radiating her beauty even more.
What caught my attention above all
Was the ruby choker with its three tear drops trickling along her breast
How much my eyes did see, they remind me of
A slash with it’s droplets of blood.
How I quiver at the thought.
The blood pounding in my head
Pulse raging out of control
Desire overwhelming
I want ,NO need her.
Wait an inner voice whispered
Plan
Make no mistakes.
I struggle with my inner self
At having to break away
Having to break away
Soon, very soon
You will be taking your place
Beside me
I will go now
To find another trophy
The stench of rotting ,burning flesh
was a balm to his nostrils.
His sanctuary is the crematory
realization of being alone fell around him
just as the cloak he wore
Even Damien's midnight soul
knows the gnawing hunger of loneliness
Obsessed with the need to fill this void
he struck out at anyone that dare
enter his world of shadows
Kill after kill,try as he might
there was no one that would
sate his hunger,nor quench his thirst
No one except for Lorraine
Returning to the crematory
Damien began to plot his strike
and arrange his bridal suite
within the walls of his sanctuary
Comments
Geezer
Thu, 2012-02-09 13:16
It keeps...
getting better and better! I can see that his tastes run to Necrophilia, and he will stop at nothing to have his way with Lorraine. ~ Good work! ~ Gee
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China Blue
Thu, 2012-02-09 15:48
Gee
Many Thanks!
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
wesley snow
Fri, 2012-02-10 19:23
Okay!
Although I am still a little confused about WHAT Damien actually is, there is no ignoring the launch of a complication here. A love story. How sweet... in a horrific, terrifying Damien sort of way.
I noticed a change from first person singular to the omnipotent narrator and wondered if the change in format was to make that transition easier. I don't see a problem in it though I would've have done it differently. My approach would have used quotation marks when Damien was narrating, but always remember that I'm bloody well stick in the mud traditionalist. Were this a piece of prose I would say you were slitting your own throat (or Damien was), but poetry SHOULD be non conformist.
I didn't like the transition from part one to part two. There is too much of a lurch between your exposition on Damien and the complication discussion of his "Sweet Lorraine" (I'm a Nat King Cole fan, you probably don't even get the reference).
Here's something to think about that will probably make you mad at me, but those four components? They exist not only in the story as a whole, but also in lesser degree in every scene, every story arc, everything. Each chapter of a book will have an exposition, complication, climax and resolution. Every conversation by two or more characters will have the same. Think of them as atoms. Four of them together make an opening scene. Four scenes using them make a chapter, four chapters using them make a section of a book... does that make sens?.
Maybe you could consider smoothing the transition out, but I'm on my way to part three. I think I would like this Damien if I had more character to play with.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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China Blue
Fri, 2012-02-10 22:18
Wesley
Mr. Snow you are killing me lol
Will take another look
There are very and I mean very few people that I hate as it is a very strong emotion and you are not one of them. Yes you give me a run for my money and for that I respect you
Chrys
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
wesley snow
Sat, 2012-02-11 11:13
They say the most successful torturer...
... is the one who gets close to his victim. I'm late on part three, but will rectify that today. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
themoonman
Sun, 2012-02-12 05:54
Hi Chrys,
Quite an interesting story line, the punctuation needs some
attention but other than that it is very good. I do think some of
the spaces were unneeded in the beginning of this one, but a
couple of them could really pound the importance of the line.
China Blue
Mon, 2012-02-13 00:28
Richard
Thanks the spaces were typos lol
as far as punctuation hmmmm yup I agree
I revised this whole thing I mean the entire poem thus far just haven't posted it until I can think of how to wrap it up. I know what I want to do just working on how to present it
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
Candlewitch
Mon, 2012-02-13 11:42
Dear Chrys and Mr. Stryker,
I like the simplicity of your title: "Lorraine", as the poem is about the obsession for, and future posession of this lovely woman.
I glory in the imagery, such as: the lines about the ruby necklace, like brops of blood gracing a delicate, graceful neck. and these lines stand out:
His sanctuary is the crematory
realization of being alone fell around him
just as the cloak he wore
Even Damien's midnight soul (absolutely delicious!)
Returning to the crematory
Damien began to plot his strike
and arrange his bridal suite
within the walls of his sanctuary
The imagery is tantalizing and only serves to make me want MORE... LOL!
I like the way you seperated the sections, like halving an orange. Great going here! You truly know how to set the hook!
always, eddy styx (& cat)
*
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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
China Blue
Tue, 2012-02-14 11:58
Cat and others
Unfortunately no one is going to find out what happens not even I. For some odd reason the computer ate the entire piece just as I was about to post what I had to offer four pages worth of hard work gone. all of the corrections additions revisions gone I don't have it in me any more to re do this piece
sorry
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-02-14 12:38
Dear Chrys,
I am so very sorry!!! I know this must be a devastatingly terrible setback for you. Perhaps in time you will find it in yourself to continue. I hope so. *Hugs,
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
wesley snow
Tue, 2012-02-14 21:18
That is rough.
I wish I had a magic wand. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
China Blue
Tue, 2012-02-14 21:40
Wes
when I feel more up to it I will give the entire thing another shot
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
wesley snow
Tue, 2012-02-14 21:54
In the fourth year...
... of work on my big poem I had my hard drive crash. Being something of a novice at computer stuff, I had not backed everything up. My computer guy, Stan, was able to take the hard drive (which was password locked, I'll never do that again) and slowly peel everything out of it.
It took us six months going through what he called "a back door" to get (one at a frickin' time) the thirty odd canto I had on the computer. It was a dark and terrifying time to me thinking all along that I had just thrown four years of work out of the window.
I tell you this that you might believe me when I tell you I understand your frustration. Needless to say I have my poetry backed up on two flash sticks, two internet storage sites, my mother in law's computer and a friends.
Have a good cry and I hope you try again.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
China Blue
Wed, 2012-02-15 06:45
Wes
I still have bits and pieces it was the final draft I lost with all the corrections, additions etcI was saving all the long but don't ask me where it got saved to lol
oh I won't give up the ghost
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)