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Invictus re write(for masters ws) original poem by Wm Ernest Henley
Invictus re write (for WS Meet The Masters)
From the darkness surrounding me
ebony dungeon without end
thankful for what protection be
for what I know I must defend
In the cruel hold of condition
no sound does utter from this tongue
beneath the beatings of transition
bruised and battered but not undone
Above this state of anger and fears
hangs still,the terror in the shadowed
although the ever present years
I remain brave and un harrowed
No change within the path I take
nor the amount of challenge in the role
I alone will control my fate
I am the one that leads my goals
Last few words:
this is for Meet The Masters Workshop
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
alidzain
Tue, 2015-06-09 20:50
chrys
this is a powerful poem about the triumphant soul.
Alid
China Blue
Wed, 2015-06-10 08:02
Alid
Thank you , I don't believe I did justice to the original though, It has more of a punch
My favorite line from the original is
It matters not how strait the gate
how charged with punishment the scroll
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul
the entire poem has a very deep rooted meaning for me
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
Lonnie
Tue, 2015-06-09 21:03
Hello Dear!
Having both seen the original poem and heard it recited, I can honestly say that your re-write is exceptionally well done! You have maintained the premise and optimism of the work, and your language use is spot on! All in all, a marvelous job of which you have a right to be proud!
China Blue
Wed, 2015-06-10 08:04
Lon
thank you,your comment means a lot to me.
It was not easy to re write as I am not a fan of structured poetry
but I will write it when forced to lol
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
Sparrow
Wed, 2015-06-10 19:16
Chrys
I am not part of this workshop but will just pop in to say that your write is exceptionally good.
I had a flag up on the 2nd and third lines in your last stanza not sure why but it came up as:-
nor will the amount of challenge in the role
I alone control my fate.
Not sure of the context but I thought I would say.
Take care , Yours as always, Ian
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
China Blue
Wed, 2015-06-10 20:43
Ian
thank you
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
Sparrow
Thu, 2015-06-11 03:40
Chrys
Your slight change has made this one of your best and enhances the poetry by the old masters, Yours Ian x
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
weirdelf
Thu, 2015-06-11 16:26
Bloody well done
(though I believe you forgot to check the box that puts it in the workshop stream)
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
China Blue
Fri, 2015-06-12 12:16
Jess
Thank you kindly
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
judyanne
Sat, 2015-06-13 07:40
nicely done Chrys
A difficult poem to rewrite imo
I have to say, though, that although yours does do it justice, I do prefer Henley's version :)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
China Blue
Sat, 2015-06-13 09:06
Judyanne
Thank you although I think Henley had more experience than I lol
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
judyanne
Sat, 2015-06-13 09:23
oh dear Chrys
I never meant that I didn't think your write anything less than really well done,... I just don't think anything can beat Henley's last stanza.... it has forever been one of my favourites..
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
China Blue
Sat, 2015-06-13 17:30
Judyanne
didn't take it that way
I agree his last stanza is what caught me. Although the entire poem is one of my favorites. I can easily identify with the words
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)