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Clock of Flower's
Humans like picked flowers,
The clock starts to tick,
One, two
one, two
one, two
Tick
tick tick
tick
I miss my sunshine.
She kept out the darkness
She fed my petals till they
were colorful
And vibrant.
I was her dark night moon.
Time is running out.
One, two
one, two
one, two
Tick
tick tick
tick
I miss my sunshine
and I hope she’s well
Out in the world,
no longer shining on me.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Tue, 2021-11-30 22:38
Your piece...
is good. One criticism! Are the plant's petals green or is it the stem? I can live with green stems, but I'm not sure that there are any flowers with green petals. I am sure that yoiu can fix this. Nice job of wistful reminiscing! Concise and melancholy.
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Abby
Wed, 2021-12-01 07:17
The green is the stem. but I
The green is the stem. but I can change that if you think it's not clear enough.
"To fly is to fall."
Geezer
Wed, 2021-12-01 10:10
The lines...
make it seem as though the sun makes the petals green. I think you can make a better connection to the petals. How about [colorful] and vibrant? ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Geezer
Wed, 2021-12-01 14:48
I see...
that you made the change I suggested. It now looks like the sun has made the petals more [colorful] and vibrant. I would have been just as happy if you had used another word, or changed the lines to make it seem as though it were the petals that you speak of, but this was the one way to change it without making a mess and having to think up new lines. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Abby
Thu, 2021-12-02 07:09
Thank you for the suggestion-
Thank you for the suggestion- it was much appreciated.
"To fly is to fall."