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UNQUIET SLEEP
Eyes are closed
Ears are dimed
The mind's slowing deep in the sleep
The soul still awake
Though that's a dream kind of
Some dreams are foresacken
Such that body can't be taken
Like fighting and playing
Running or walking
It just depends on the act
Singing or shouting
Talking or subbing
Perhaps groaning aloud
One might be tearing apart
At dawn been awake but weak
Body painfully and aching
I have journeyed beyond the physical.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Most of the time we sleep but can't resting but it's based on what so ever reason.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Candlewitch
Fri, 2021-04-23 08:42
hello Simon,
I think that your title is a little unclear, and could be improved upon. I could relate to the body of your poem because I am an insomniac and have to use sleeping pills. even then I don't feel real rested, as I wake up several times in the night. your language communicates how you feel.
*hugs, Cat
*
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Simon
Sat, 2021-04-24 04:03
Very well
I do something about the title right away
Simon
Sat, 2021-04-24 04:03
Very well
I do something about the title right away
Candlewitch
Fri, 2021-04-23 08:44
title...
how about: "Unquiet Sleep"? just a suggestion
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Simon
Sat, 2021-04-24 04:05
Unquiet sleep
That's a nice suggestion thanks so much
Geezer
Fri, 2021-04-23 10:12
I agree with Cat...
this one seems a little disjointed. "Ears are dime"? ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Simon
Sat, 2021-04-24 04:12
I agree
To that too, it's a nice suggestion thank you all so much
c lynn brooks
Fri, 2021-04-23 16:25
Simon
first line why not use eyes are closed
second line ears are dimmed
third line into
I would drop the kind of in the fourth line
either for I have journeyed or for one has journeyed
see if you like the flow any better
these are only suggestions
Chrys
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Simon
Sat, 2021-04-24 04:07
C lynn brooks
Thanks so much that is another good suggestion from you I appreciate your support
Ray Whitaker
Fri, 2021-04-23 21:03
I would add that using more dream imagery and content
would bring the piece to a new power.
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Simon
Sat, 2021-04-24 04:10
Thanks
I really appreciate you family for all the suggestions form you guys thank so much.
Simon
Sat, 2021-04-24 04:10
Thanks
I really appreciate you family for all the suggestions form you guys thank so much.
Candlewitch
Sat, 2021-04-24 10:20
another title suggestion:
how about: "Fitful Sleep" ?
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Simon
Mon, 2021-04-26 07:20
I very
Well appreciate that I think it's ok with the first tittle for it fit the body, thank you for your concerns.