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What The Seasons Truely Are
spring: this is what people call
the flu season, the bug season,
the fly season, but why cant it
just be spring? why cant it be the
'let go' season?
I need a season where I can stop
pretending. stop being someone
that I'm not. stop and ask myself why?
why am I here? am I here because of a big bang?
a creation of god? a product of my parents? or
is it because I didn't do something stupid when I
had no cons and just pro's to what I was doing.
instead I put down the weapon and said that
I was going to make my life worth something one
day.
that moment happened in what they call
Christmas season, Hanukkah season, but
what I call don't do it season. I was sure
to learn a lesson from that so that it wouldn't be
worth nothing. that lesson is to show what
the seasons truly are..
Comments
scooby
Sat, 2017-03-25 02:58
ya. its short and not that
ya. its short and not that good. sorry
Race_9togo
Sat, 2017-03-25 05:20
Hello Scooby,
Welcome to Neopet.
I like your title, it catches interest.
Your language use lacks prosody. I find little in the way of meter, cadence, or flow.
I do like the theme, and the locale of the event. Christmas can be a very bitter, lonely time for millions of us, and even in the lack of anything poetic, these emotions, and hope, come through strong.
The beginning is a little weak, but you have a strong ending.
Is the internal logic consistent? Yes it is, once one looks beyond the poem's limitations to its meaning.
Here. I don't normally do this, but I truly do believe that this has much potential;
This is what they call flu season?
Bug season, fly season?
I wish it could be 'let go' season
Or even better, spring,
a time when I can stop pretending,
stop being someone I am not,
just stop,
and ask myself why?
why am I here?
am I a big bang creation of god,
or just a product of my parents?
I didn't do something stupid
when I had no cons,
just pro's to what I was doing:
Instead, I put down the weapon
and told myself
I would make my life
worth something, one day.
That was Christmas, Hanukkah,
But I call it 'don't do it season', now.
For I learned a lesson then,
Enough to make my life
Worth living,
And show me what
The seasons truly are.
Given some time and thought, this little piece of self-examination will become something really good. It already has power, for those who sift through it, and thus has great potential, so please, try writing it again, I would love to see where you take it.
Yes, it is not that good.
But it can be.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Keith Logan
Sat, 2017-03-25 07:13
Hello Scooby
New faces are always welcome and I think you will find a friendly home here for budding poets of all types. I for instance, am a rhymer. What do I call Spring? The wow season. Everything is bright, new and fresh. I asked some of those questions myself as a teenager (I am now 65) but there were no answers then and I don't think you will find them now.
Take my coward's hand
the hero sadly said,
life is for the living
leave worry to the dead.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines