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A Societal Love Poem
An avalanche has started
there's cold ice, all around;
all the shards, that have fallen
have found solace...on the ground.
And, the bitterness that blinds me
as I try, to see ahead;
reminds me, I'm not worthy
no matter, what's been said.
I thank God for the lessons
I've been allowed, to learn;
let me be, a good example
if it ever, is my turn.
And, for my odd behaviour,
I must apologize;
but, that whimsical demeanor
is what's help me realize;
that, we're supposed to run, and play
in the grace that God has shown,
and share a love so perfect
more than any love, we've known.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Maverick
Thu, 2011-02-24 00:56
I like the content, but it
I like the content, but it sounds choppy when you read it with so many commas. Maybe get rid of some?
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maverick |ˈmav(ə)rik|
noun
1 an unorthodox or independent-minded person
weirdelf
Thu, 2011-02-24 02:10
agreed, Maverick
you know the process mate, read it aloud.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Thu, 2011-02-24 02:16
for some reason this poem reminded me of the Billy Thorpe song
"Most People I Know (Think That I'm Crazy)"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtJq56cp_dk
I love it's combination of self-reflection and whimsy.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Race_9togo
Fri, 2011-02-25 17:49
Yeah the commas
disrupt what would otherwise be a beautifully flowing piece, one filled with wisdom and good rhythm.
I would like to see this one bereft of all commas, just to see where it would take the cadence.
A good write, close to being most excellent.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo