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Shipwrecked
I finally understand this grief.
It’s not just that I’ve lost my captain.
The whole damn ship has gone down.
The floor upon which
I could plant and move my feet.
The sides that tucked me in
and kept me safe from dangerous seas.
The centerboard that stabilized my life.
The rudder that kept me true to course.
The lines that let me fill my sails with life.
The berth that offered a place of rest.
The whole damn ship went down.
First the shock of the of the deep cold water.
Now the endless dogpaddle,
sometimes head above the sea,
sometimes swamped by rogue waves.
No shore in sight.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This was written 3 months after the death of my spouse. I am editing it for sharing more widely.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Lavender
Wed, 2022-09-07 10:02
Shipwrecked
Hi, Poetry,
"Now the endless dogpaddle..." Excellent choice of words. Your theme is something many can relate to, and you've done a great job describing this confusing state.
All the best,
L
Geezer
Wed, 2022-09-07 13:39
Your title is good...
the language use is equally so.
The form and regularity of the piece
as written makes the the whole thing look
as though it is on it's way to the bottom
thus adding to the presentation.
I would change but one word here
and that is instead of [floor] I would use [deck].
The last stanza is cold and demanding
with a shorter feel to it and the last line
being one of despair, but not an ending
I suspect that your dogpaddle will save you
You emit a lot of strength, as if you will go down paddling
something that your wife would be proud of you for.
Good luck. ~ Geezer.
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