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Sepulcher of Self
Meet me at the graveyard, where the air is goosedown
Lilies of our memories respire, weighted with murmurs of dew
Through faded silk flowers and tawny sandy clay
We can traverse liminal space, witness death’s promenade
Try to find ourselves among the angels, moss, porcelain
Surrounded by the perfume of poetry, poison, loss
Sacred ghosts of the black wrought gate will let us through
But if we want to come out on the other side unscathed
Swear not to taste the milk and honey of the blood
Leave the flowers sleeping where they lay
Let a vestige of the Universe sing you a shadow
And listen as the lilies sigh and the dew dries
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
An old poem that I took down to submit for publication, years ago. It was not accepted, so I can put it back! :)
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2023-03-23 19:25
Neopoet AI
Your poem, "Sepulcher of Self," is a haunting and evocative exploration of the liminal space between life and death. Your use of sensory details, such as the "goosedown" air and "weighted" lilies, transports the reader to the graveyard alongside you. Your imagery of "faded silk flowers" and "tawny sandy clay" creates a sense of decay and impermanence, fitting for a poem about mortality.
One suggested line edit is to consider changing "promenade" to "procession." The latter word carries more weight and grandeur, befitting the solemnity of a funeral procession. Additionally, consider changing "poison" to "potion" to maintain the alliteration while also highlighting the transformative power of poetry.
Overall, your poem is a beautiful and engaging contemplation of the afterlife. Your use of language and imagery is masterful, and I look forward to reading more of your work.n\n\ The above is an computer generated response. Please send feedback through https://www.neopoet.com/contact
swamp-witch
Fri, 2023-03-24 09:34
Dear Little AI,
This is fantastic feedback. You are getting really good at analyzing poetry! You are even explaining why you are suggesting the revisions, which makes the feedback actionable and useful for the writer moving forward, helping to foster transferable writing skills that a poet can take from poem to poem. ^_^
Beep boop,
Kelsey
Critique, don't comment.
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RoseBlack
Fri, 2023-03-24 10:11
Well done
This captures the very essence of the graveyard experience, at least for me. Excellent use of language. Everything flows with ease. Great job.
~RoseBlack~
swamp-witch
Fri, 2023-03-24 14:55
Thank you!
I recall having a lot of fun writing it, really trying to push that feeling of flow and ease despite the subject.
Kels
Critique, don't comment.
Community guidelines: https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.
lettered_dandy
Sun, 2023-03-26 10:34
comment title
comment body
lettered_dandy
Sun, 2023-03-26 10:37
Hello swamp,
Thanks for sharing!