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Senyru(Japanese Poetry Workshop)
Move your feet in dance.
Trip the light fantastical.
Laugh not when it falls.
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
What do I know? Running late with everything.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
Ian.T
Sun, 2012-06-17 14:46
Wesley
"Haiku" is written to show the seasons the next part is the "Senyru" this is as you have written this one about ??? think its about movement which would make a great Senyru, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Barbara Writes
Sun, 2012-06-17 18:53
nice one Wesley
it is Senyru you are doing great at this
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
scribbler
Sun, 2012-06-17 21:21
Hi Wes
You have mislabeled this one. Haiku almost invariable deals with nature(and usually seasonal changes). It is Senryu which deals with human relations. But the syllable count is correct for Haiku.............stan
wesley snow
Sun, 2012-06-17 23:39
Okay,
I wrote this thinking haiku. Obviously I'm neglecting my syllabus instruction. I will investigate and rewrite if possible. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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Barbara Writes
Mon, 2012-06-18 00:26
you can save it for your senyru part
and just write annother for haiku this senyru is such a really good one
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
wesley snow
Mon, 2012-06-18 22:51
Thank you Barbara.
That is my plan. I thought I had changed my title, but obviously I goofed up, so I will try it again.
Senyru take two.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
weirdelf
Tue, 2012-06-19 09:16
matches the form, mate,
but doesn't it remind you a bit of those horrible chain emails like "dance like there's no-one watching?
I would like to see a unique human moment crystallised in few words. That is the lesson to be learned in expressing senryu.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry