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Nippon Sun... Implied imagery workshop
Like a red-hot copper cent
sun rise in the pale blue sky
I know why, the Japanese have lent
Goddom to the reddend, baleful eye
It sizzles, burns the brain
to a spot of flaming crimson
In the bamboo-forest it rains
on the islands of the Nippon
Glorious warmth of red
spreads dim light of dawn
Sleepy night has fled
leaves wet tracks on the lawn
The taste of green is folded up
wrapped in smokey leaves
Steamed in the light of teacup
while the shadows sigh and grieve
Elder trees and bamboo grass
share in the carmine light
Crane and dragon shadows pass
Silhouettes black as night
Cherry blossoms bloom
in the land of the rising sun
Night gives daylight room
and now the dream is done
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Obadiah Grey
Mon, 2018-12-24 11:56
I'm glad you didn't ramble on
I'm glad you didn't ramble on and blur the images.
The fourth stanza was my favourite, (if you're interested.) but I like the whole of the piece.
Obi.
Geezer
Fri, 2018-12-28 00:09
I'm so used to...
automatically hitting the N/A button for critique, that I did it without thinking and now it won't delete.
Yes, I am interested in why you thought that particular stanza should be your favorite. I was trying to keep the images sharp in order to focus on the mood. Thanks, ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
raj
Mon, 2018-12-24 13:05
Great choice of words and
Great choice of words and cadence...will look forward to your dissecting the imagery...
.....................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Geezer
Sat, 2018-12-29 22:48
Thank you...
What a beautiful turn of words and in keeping with the crimson/red illumination of dawn. Thank you. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.