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LOST COMPANION
We've walked wild blossom filled meadows,
Bees hummed in verdant grass,
Birds sang in leaf clad hedgerows,
Rabbits fled as we strolled past.
We've walked through winter woodlands
Snow deep upon the path;
Geese took their flight before us
By ponds like crystal glass.
Winter's dawn or Summer's sunset
Together we have been
Inseparable companions
Linked by a common gene.
No more to race through bluebell woods,
No more to frighten hares,
No more to roll in autumn leaves,
No more to hear my cares.
No more to sit in dappled glade
As you lay at my feet,
Your soulful eyes ne'er left my face
You judged not when I speak.
Alone I walk the meadows
The woods in winter too.
And though I walk in silence
I feel your presence through.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-01-17 14:51
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Lost Companion" effectively uses vivid imagery to depict the bond between the speaker and their companion. The choice of words and the rhythm of the poem create a sense of nostalgia and loss, which is a strong emotional appeal.
However, the poem could benefit from a more varied sentence structure. The majority of the lines in the poem follow a similar pattern, which can make the poem feel repetitive. Experimenting with different sentence structures could add more depth and interest to the poem.
The poem also seems to rely heavily on the use of clichés, such as "bees hummed in verdant grass" and "birds sang in leaf clad hedgerows". While these phrases are effective in creating a vivid picture, they are commonly used in poetry and may not provide a unique perspective. The poem could be improved by replacing these clichés with more original descriptions.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a clearer narrative or theme. While the poem effectively conveys a sense of loss, it's not clear who the lost companion is or what their relationship to the speaker was. Providing more specific details about the companion could make the poem more engaging and emotionally resonant.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Kristen H.
Wed, 2024-01-17 08:58
Heartwarming, yet heartbreaking
This is beautifully written, Alex! Well done!
Alex Tanner
Wed, 2024-01-17 09:21
Hello K.
Thank you Kristen, Glad you enjoyed. Alex.
Geezer
Wed, 2024-01-17 09:48
I miss...
my dogs too. I miss my Rugby jumping, splashing and swimming in every little puddle, pond and river.
I also miss the baying of my Beagle-rabbit-dog, Dancer, who hardly ever barked, but had a sweet howl when scenting a rabbit.
How funny it was when she barked the first time; she looked very surprised that it came from her! But she howled with glee at any rabbit. Ha, ha.
My only question is, can you find another word to rhyme with [hares] or [fears], to keep the rhyme perfect?
One of those lines will have to go. Otherwise, a beautiful tribute to a dear friend! ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Alex Tanner
Wed, 2024-01-17 10:06
Interesting
Interesting that comment Geez. There is one word in there that I am not happy with but not that. The word speak because it then jumps from past tense to present. I did consider using the archaic word Spake which would have made the line: 'You judged not when I spake'. As to your comment I am, at the moment at a loss to know how to alter it. If you care to make suggestions, always pleased to get them. Alex.
Geezer
Wed, 2024-01-17 10:22
I didn't...
even notice the words speak and feet, didn't match, because it is so near-rhyme. The long ee sounds in both, I guess.
The difference in hares and fears is quite pronounced though. I think that you could change the line to say :
"No more to frighten little birds" and the rhyming line:
"No more to hear my words"
Or: "No more to frighten hares [small h]
and: " No more jumping everywhere"
Hope this helps. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Alex Tanner
Wed, 2024-01-17 16:35
Edited
Very small edit Geez. Just one word I think makes a difference. I think one day I will rewrite a poem just as this AI suggests and see what it makes of it then. Alex.
Triskelion
Wed, 2024-01-17 18:05
..never understood..
...what the negative interest in cliché literature is supposed to accomplish, that if it wasn't for cliché, where would nostalgia dwell?
Personally, I enjoyed the better part of the (clichés) in this poem and, if I had any critique to offer, it might rest in the metre, not there.
The language is easy reading and impactful, so that's what I usually look for in my idea of poetry.
Looking forward to seeing any edits, Mr. Alex
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Alex Tanner
Thu, 2024-01-18 09:25
Thank You
Hello Thomas and thank you. I'm always pleased to receive comments that may or may not help me improve. Alex
Lavender
Wed, 2024-01-17 22:40
Lost Companion
Hello, Alex,
A beautiful tribute to man's best friend. Precious times and seasons shared. It seems the loving energy they freely give always remains.
Thank you,
L
Alex Tanner
Thu, 2024-01-18 09:35
Hello L
Thanks L. Would you believe the only pet I ever had was a tortoise called 'Jet'. Alex
Clentin
Thu, 2024-01-18 07:38
Very nice poem, really
Very nice poem, really reflects your feelings for those you loved.
Alex Tanner
Thu, 2024-01-18 09:36
Thank You
Thanks Clentin. Alex
Candlewitch
Thu, 2024-01-18 08:30
This vibrates with love...
I read with a joy that only true companions can know...turning bittersweet. for I had such a companion in my Tosha, a Shepard/greyhound melding... the last verse came and I shed a tear.
*sincerely, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Alex Tanner
Thu, 2024-01-18 09:38
Hello Cat
Hello Cat. As I said to L. would you believe the only pet I ever had was a tortoise called 'Jet'. Perhaps I had better write something about him, though it may be a bit slow. Alex
Candlewitch
Thu, 2024-01-18 09:54
that may be so but,
you sure cut to the heart of it! how big is your friend?
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Alex Tanner
Sat, 2024-01-20 19:03
none now
No pets now, unless you count the wife. LOL. Alex