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INDIVIDUALITY (Haiku for exploration of style shop) <kettle>
Each person you pass
is their own singular brew
in unique kettle
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
alidzain
Tue, 2015-05-26 05:12
Stan
The haiku's syllable count format is 5-7-5..
I counted 6 on your first line. Apart from that, I see no need for change and I liked the message in this poem.
Alid
scribbler
Tue, 2015-05-26 19:17
Hi Alid
Nothing like showing my lack of ability to count lol. Try it now.........stan
alidzain
Wed, 2015-05-27 13:03
Stan
you got it.
Alid
scribbler
Wed, 2015-05-27 14:15
I had to
hold one hand open so as to not lose count again lol.........stan
China Blue
Tue, 2015-05-26 09:03
Stan
6 on first count(need to lose one beat)
the rest follows through and makes sense
interesting use of words
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
scribbler
Tue, 2015-05-26 19:19
Hi Chrys
brevity stumps me
in writing things like Haiku
back to school I go
Rula
Tue, 2015-05-26 13:20
hello Stan
I thought you'll need to change the whole first line and maybe part of the second to maintain the message you wanted in a 5/7/5 haiku though I've seen haiku of different syllable count and we are not restricted by one in the workshop, I think.
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scribbler
Tue, 2015-05-26 19:21
Hi Rula
Since writing Haiku in English is almost impossible then the least I can do is follow the generally accepted syllable count. Edit now done.........stan
judyanne
Wed, 2015-05-27 20:11
an excellent write imo
Not nature ... but haiku has opened a little and now is not always restricted to that...
I think this is very clever, and thought-provoking .... just what haiku is supposed to be, except it seems to be missing a good cutting line....
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Wed, 2015-05-27 21:46
Hey Judy
Not Too bad for such a long winded guy who got Senryu mixed up with Haiku lol. Haste not only makes waste it also makes me stupid apparently .........stan