Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Home
This home is not a home
It's nothing more than a box
Where the left behind go
Painful memories bounce from wall to wall
Echoing in their mind,
Wounding the soul
One by one the pictures fall down
Unconditional trust destroyed by betrayal
Shattered like broken glass across a laminated floor
Things will never be the same
You can't take back hate
Too much time
Without an apology
Another heart dies
As a life's destroyed
A casualty of what should have been
But never could be
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Royyce Jeddi O'Zionn
Tue, 2013-05-28 14:29
I think it's a good read.
I think it's a good read.
What really captured my attention was this line:
"Unconditional trust destroyed by betrayal"
It really brings out the fact the home (in your poem) which is supposed to a citadel of trust,if I may say,
is rather not.And then the little unconditional trust too is shuttered by betrayal.
Perhaps,the home in your poem is not a home because of this very line.I could be wrong? :)
Also the following:
"A casualty of what should have been
But never could be"
It seems to say that the home,if it were a home would allow potential to flourish.
Not a bad poem at all.
lonlyhrtsclub13
Tue, 2013-05-28 16:12
thank you
You understood the poem the way it was meant to be read. The "home" which is supposed to be a place of comfort, refuge etc, is not a home because the trust that held it together was betrayed. Unconditional love/trust is a very fragile thing, like panes of glass. It can only handle so many dings and knicks before it cracks and breaks. I am glad you enjoyed it.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
Ian.T
Tue, 2013-05-28 19:03
Lonlyheart
A picture of Heartbreak Hotel, not a good picture, I would scream at the borders there to really look at themselves, then go deeper into the sight of that unknown they hide..
A real person that is good and deserves more from life , knows it yet to take that step finds a mountain blocking their way.
The Mountain is as fragile as that pane of glass, and nature turns them to dust, if the mountain is there take more time and walk around it.
A sad piece that is quite common as there are many out there that need something solid to hold onto,
A very good write but as I said sad..
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
lonlyhrtsclub13
Tue, 2013-05-28 22:56
thank you
For the comment. I am glad this piece is being received well. I deleted some of my previous work. Even tried writing about sunshine and rainbows. Heartbreak is so painful. Each time it happens I say never again and yet I wind up falling over and over again. Glad you thought it was good.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
Ian.T
Wed, 2013-05-29 03:32
Lonlyheart
No need to delete any of your work, and as to writing on the sad side, if carried out well you can teach others what to look out for and at the same time come to avoid those places you know so well.
Try to know that you are a lovely person and love yourself first then that love can be given out to others,Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
lonlyhrtsclub13
Thu, 2013-05-30 12:21
hi
Not bad suggestions...I will plug them in and see what works. A home is not always a home but it should be....
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sun, 2013-06-02 11:10
mark
I love what you wrote. Glad to see you enjoyed the poem. Hope to see you at the next Raven' s Lair.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
Lonnie
Sun, 2013-06-02 08:54
Hi Carrie
Just dropped in to read this after our Chat last night and was glad I did! You've captured some powerful emotions here and in a way that all can understand and relate to! What more can one ask of Poetry?
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sun, 2013-06-02 11:08
thank you
I am glad you enjoyed it. It is a poem more of sadness but very much captured how I felt. I hope to see you in two weeks for my chat.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
wesley snow
Wed, 2013-06-26 18:08
As suggested I am visiting your older posts.
This is as dark as most of your work. I do not lament it. It is intense and emotional. The language, as always, is riveting. A marvelously dark and almost frightening piece.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
lonlyhrtsclub13
Wed, 2013-06-26 18:49
thank you
For your high praise. I have taken your suggestions and worked with them. All are welcomed and appreciated
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
Ian.T
Wed, 2013-06-26 20:09
Carrie
pop into the chat if you can it should be fun I have to go now as it is past 1am Thursday, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..