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The Celestial Threat
On that solid selfish night
dark threatened to shut down
and bang out
the flamboyant moon resists
tear gassing florescent light
warning the shooting stars to depart
and the flickering star halts
giraffin in a subtle manner
but only the clustered cloud burgles his way to victory
and the night dies smoothly
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Sun, 2021-09-12 22:37
Esses and tenses...
1] And the flickering star[s] no [s]
2] but only the clustered cloud burgle[s] add [s]
3] and the night die[s] smoothly
Your title is good and in keeping with the story
I like the theme
The logic is there, but subtle.
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Jackweb
Sun, 2021-09-12 23:41
Thank you Geezer!
I will definitely get the errors corrected.
Thank you so much.
Geezer, "The logic is there, but subtle".
Do you think there's need for extension?
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
Geezer
Mon, 2021-09-13 00:32
No...
I was just remarking that your logic is there, but not overdone, as it might be if you try to add to it. I think it is fine just the way it is, for logic. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Jackweb
Wed, 2021-09-15 10:26
Much thanks
Alright. I got you now.
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb