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Blacked Out...
Ebon, anthracite with tint of blue
Velvet black and obsidian too
Darkest space with no light
Immersion tank with loss of sight
Absence of stars, in a stormy sky
The black and blue of bruising eye
Deepest ocean with phosphorent fish
All hope lost, no chance for a wish
White is all colors, none diminished back
No light comes through this crazy crack
So suck my life, vampiric redact
No light reflected, is our black
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Tough one! I thought this would be easy, but never anticipated the hurdles of finding rhymes to go with; other than back, smack, rack etc...
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Candlewitch
Sun, 2022-07-17 09:50
how about:
Lack attack. whack track sack snack knack hack flack etc?
what an amazing poem...cannot choose favorite lines!
*
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Geezer
Sun, 2022-07-17 22:47
Yeah...
I was just trying to emphasize the problem of thinking of lines to rhyme. Thanks for the read and comments! I am so glad that you liked it! I know that although it's similair, it's not my usual kind of work, and I was a little apprehensive about a couple of lines. Hugs from the boys, ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
c lynn brooks
Sun, 2022-07-17 11:11
Gee
Wow you just keep getting better and better. Love this poem. It's where I am right now.
Chrys
check out our chat room open to all 24/7
Geezer
Sun, 2022-07-17 22:55
Thanks Chrys...
I hope to hear that for the rest of my writing career! I want to improve and be more in touch with my reader. Anyone can write big, long, impressive looking poems, but connecting with the reader is the important part. I hope that you start feeling the spirit of Neo. now that you are back. I'm sure that reading all of the great works that people are posting will get your muse in the mood. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
c lynn brooks
Tue, 2022-07-19 22:04
Gee
I sure hope so. There are some darn good poems being posted hope my work stands up to them. WWill be writing real soon. Therapy is almost done
Luv Ya Thanks for sticking by me all the while
Chrys
check out our chat room open to all 24/7
Warrior Princess
Sun, 2022-07-17 19:31
Geezer beautifully penned. I
Geezer beautifully penned. I love how you brought the descriptive analogy of darkness and the colour black. My favourite lines were:
Absence of stars, in a stormy sky
The black and blue of bruising eye
Deepest ocean with phosphorent fish
All hope lost, no chance for a wish
Candice Vitalien
"Keep glowing even if no one can see your light.
For among the hidden stars on the darkest night
Someone will look up and behold
The flickering hope; words untold;
Strength and Honour my Warriors! "
Geezer
Sun, 2022-07-17 23:07
Thank you W.P. ...
I have had lots of practice in giving anologies of black lately. It seems that the general population is in a funk. The Nation is wondering what happened to the "Red White and Blue" Whatever happened to neighbors helping neighbors, people wanting to do the "right thing"? and all the things that have made America great in the past? We are still here; we have not gone away, but we are tired of fighting about the things that should be left to the people, not organized religion, or the the rich!
I love your signature, and was wondering if that is an original quote, by yourself? ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Warrior Princess
Mon, 2022-07-18 20:31
Hi Geeza, your comments are
Hi Geeza, your comments are 100 per cent facts indeed. Deep perspective inculcating the colour black. Thank you for the compliment. Yes, my signature is indeed my quote, I wrote it myself recently. I also write quotes, but I am trying to merge the poetry writing with the quote.
Candice Vitalien
"Keep glowing even if no one can see your light.
For among the hidden stars on the darkest night
Someone will look up and behold
The flickering hope; words untold;
Strength and Honour my Warriors! "
Rosewood Apothecary
Sun, 2022-07-17 20:26
Literally
All black. Damn good job. “Vampiric redact”. Stupendous.
Tim
Geezer
Sun, 2022-07-17 23:34
I thought...
that I could count on you to find that one intriquing! It came to me in a vision, that I remember seeing in a comic-book about a vampire and the script was redacted like you would see in a top-secret document. Yeah, really! The comic-book was in some Slavic language and I couldn't read it anyway, but I found it very interesting that some of the dialogue was blacked out. I have no clue where that book is now, but wish that I had it. Anyhow, I'm glad that you liked it and found it to be worthy of your time. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
RoseBlack
Sun, 2022-07-17 22:07
Phenomenal
Write regarding all things black. The vampire reference at the end really nailed it. Your flow, rhyme and language excellent as always
:)
~RoseBlack~
Geezer
Sun, 2022-07-17 23:50
And another...
of my favorite people from the Darkside! I'm thinking that if we get enough people together that are interested in dark subjects and want to get together, we might be able to resurrect Chat on The Darkside! A simple chat about all things dark and spooky!
Maybe once a month, to give people time to work on something and something to look forward to. Everyone could take a turn, bringing up a subject and discussing it. Anyhow, thanks for the great compliments, and I will continue to work hard on bringing the best I've got. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
RoseBlack
Mon, 2022-07-18 04:21
I would
Very much like to participate in another chat from the dark side. Once a month would be great!
~RoseBlack~
Kristen H.
Mon, 2022-07-18 22:18
Wow!
Wow! Just... Wow!
Geezer
Tue, 2022-07-19 09:04
Thank you...
Those few words and comment, makes it worth the time spent. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Ray Whitaker
Fri, 2022-07-22 18:48
Nice piece, G
Very well done! I can appreciate the difficulty of composing this.
one suggestion, S3L1 add two words
White is all colors, none more diminished than black
I might have misunderstood your intention with "none diminished back". somehow you lost me on that.
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Geezer
Fri, 2022-07-22 23:49
White is...
all the colors reflected back to you, while black is all the colors absorbed and not reflected. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
lovedly
Sat, 2022-07-23 22:13
Congrats my friend finally you won ..never seen you win ..but
Absence of stars, ???? in a stormy sky
Stars are never absent
it is only the storm
that veils
HOPE Judgement does prevail.
Wow how happy I am
you wrote a gem of a small poem
I could say
yummy yum yum
GEE
I'll stand besides thee
Geezer
Sun, 2022-07-24 01:45
Thank you...
lovedly. I have one a couple of contests, but I'm not counting. I just love the competition and the challenge of writing something that resonates with the reader. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
RoseBlack
Sun, 2022-07-24 03:36
Congratulations
Well done!!!
~RoseBlack~
Geezer
Sun, 2022-07-24 09:17
Thank you...
I draw inspiration from all my fellow poets here; I don't do this alone. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Rosewood Apothecary
Sun, 2022-07-24 04:00
Congratulations
On your win. This is one of my favorite poems of yours. Never redact the “vampiric redact”. Lol an awesome modifier and great word withdraw. Upon reading it again here I love it even more. It’s quick and doesn’t waste time getting the points across. It is deserving of the praise.
I really like this one
Tim
Geezer
Sun, 2022-07-24 09:20
My thanks...
go out to you, and all the others who give me ideas that I can steal. I would not be the writer I am today, without all of you.
~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Candlewitch
Sun, 2022-07-24 06:50
Congratulations to my dear friend!!!
you deserved to win!
*hugs, Cat
ever, eddy
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Sun, 2022-07-24 09:24
If I deserve...
to win, it is because I have such a great platform to write from and the people who inspire me. I couldn't do it without you all.
~ Geez.
. Big hugs to you for letting me steal your idea and run for the border with it! I think this is going to be a big success!
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Rosewood Apothecary
Sun, 2022-07-24 08:07
Congratulations
This was a killer one. Congratulations.
Geezer
Sun, 2022-07-24 09:25
I am...
impressed with how much you are impressed! Thank you again! ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Brian W Taylor
Mon, 2022-07-25 17:55
Excellent!
I can see I have been left in good hands. Wow such fantastic word play. A true strength for you.
Geezer
Mon, 2022-07-25 23:52
Thank you...
I guess I have picked up a thing or two. I have been here on this site for about thirteen years, never felt the need to go anywhere else.~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.