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Betrayal
And so the truth comes out
After months of wondering
You want out
There is no doubt
You asked for commitment
A lifetime together
Who knew
It wasn’t forever
Now you’ve changed
Your mind
Isnt that cute
The point is already mute
Story of my life,
Nothing new
Still can’t get a reason
Out of you
No worries
No need to shout
Just pack your shit
And get the hell out
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Sour grapes tonight
Editing stage:
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Comments
Betrand Ndomenang
Tue, 2017-11-07 00:01
Great work.
Like to start with the pro.
Amazing ending and a great first stanza.
The poem is seem to me like an emotional poem, however, There are some brakes in the lines that just disturb the flow of emotions from poem to the readers heart. Finally, I fell that the fourth stanza seem a little bit odd as it does not provide a smooth transition from the third to the fifth stanza.
scribbler
Tue, 2017-11-07 13:36
Hmmm....Hmmm.....
It's as if you wanted to write a rhyming poem but your emotions demanded less structure and more emotion. I'm not sure if this is intentional or accidental but isn't that the result you are seeking? lol In keeping with that premise you could abandon quatrains and add emphasis something like this :
And so the truth comes out
After months of wondering
You want out
There is no doubt
You asked for commitment
A lifetime together
Who knew It wasn’t forever
Now you’ve changed
Your mind
Isnt that cute
The point is already mute
Story of my life,
Nothing new
Still can’t get a reason
Out of you
No worries
No need to shout
Just pack your shit
And get the hell
out
lonlyhrtsclub13
Tue, 2017-11-07 19:43
Thank you both
For your input. I will be making revisions to this and another poem during the week.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"