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DIscard
here we lie
in summit hopes
and in deep shade
the valley want
sullen and reposed
while we flicker
in sunlight beams
I taste the cool
of the creek
from glacial
spent
this soul I inhabit
ringing like a chime
in paint ruined rooms
the windows cracked
are we rust on the hinges
we travelled so far
in this mirage understanding
can you feel the bend
in all this flexible
opposition
can you see the dust
and write you name
for when you return
to fulfill the desire
that drips
like rain
from the upper floors
I wait in the feilds
with the lightening
and rain
I kiss your memory
and want for more
smile for my
when you read this
for my heart beats
for none other then
you
..
Style / type:
Free verse
Editing stage:
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Comments
Esker
Thu, 2011-05-12 15:40
damn typos
wrote this so fast
firing like machine gun speed
a gatling gun of words
that is I
on the outskirts
skirting issues
but the want of companionship
of freindship is so great
but my mind my soul
is driven to fulfill so much
of the outer
where its cold
where its dark
the sun dont shine here
much
and when you come by
to say hello
I swoon
Geezer
Thu, 2011-05-12 17:27
Just a few...
thoughts on how to smooth this out. Feel free to use or discard any or all my changes, I tried hard not to change the meaning of anything you wrote, but may have inadvertenly done so.
here we lie on summit hopes
yet in the deep shaded valley of want
sullen and reposed
flickering in beams of sunlight
If you are going to use the word "glacial" you should say [spend] instead of spent.
if you want to use glacier, then the use would be spent
in this mirage [of] understanding
you are missing the [r] at the end of you, in write [your] name
I wait in the [fields]
smile for [me]
As always, you have written of the emotion that hides in loneliness, so very well. Your friend ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Esker
Fri, 2011-05-13 12:01
How true Both your comments
in reality in my real life I forecast for the crowd
that will step in to an inner line
Most are set aside by the great abstractions
which are the outer curious
I agree that with work it would be a different poem
the typos and grammatical misrepresentations
throw the whole thing off in another direction
Im not that clear I know this
still I like the abstractions
for whatever strange reasons
but I greatly appreciate your help and
suggestions on this peice
thank you immensely both of you