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Senryu - Lotto
Okay I bought it
the winning lotto ticket
I can dream can't I
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
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Comments
sueb
Wed, 2012-11-28 06:35
Hi Mark thanks yep gis a
Hi Mark thanks yep gis a shout if u win lol cheers x
Seren
Wed, 2012-11-28 06:58
Hi Sue
I thought this one was very clever I cant see anything to change the syllable count was spot on
well done
sincerely Jayne-Chloe :)
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
sueb
Wed, 2012-11-28 09:28
ah thanks so much x
ah thanks so much x
Rula
Wed, 2012-11-28 09:34
lovely one
sue . But I think others might tell you its a senryu as it is more concerned with human foibles.
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sueb
Wed, 2012-11-28 10:58
ah I learn something new
ah I learn something new every day here it's gr8 I'm only a novice who writes for fun thanks so much never heard of a senryu and didn't know haiku's where just about nature glad u enjoyed cheers x
Candlewitch
Wed, 2012-11-28 10:27
Dear Sue,
This is what dreams are for...winning the lottery would be the birth of the fullfilment of many dreams! Good luck!
:)
always, Cat (& eddy)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
sueb
Wed, 2012-11-28 10:58
Hi yeah doesn't buy happiness
Hi yeah doesn't buy happiness though all the best x
Ian.T
Wed, 2012-11-28 10:28
Sue
As Rula says it's a Senyru, the Haiku is about the seasons, yours is lovely.
Lovely to win though Eh! Yours as always Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
sueb
Wed, 2012-11-28 10:59
Hi I didn't know anything
Hi I didn't know anything about Senyru never heard of it but I'm always delighted to learn thanks a mil glad u enjoyed cheers x
scribbler
Wed, 2012-11-28 18:44
Hi
Got my ticket too . Figure if I win the taxes uncle Sam gets would run the gov't about 6 minutes lol...........stan
sueb
Thu, 2012-11-29 04:54
Bet you could Stan cheers Sue
Bet you could Stan cheers Sue x
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-11-29 11:16
if I may suggest
the last line doesn't add much, it's kind of implicit in buying lottery. And ending a poem with a question is never strong.
Some possible alternatives-
I still dream of more
all my dreams come true (eeek! a bad suggestion)
and will buy another
see where I'm going? You could add some philosophical depth.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
sueb
Thu, 2012-11-29 12:07
hi thanks jess this one was
hi thanks jess this one was just a bit of fun cheers x
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-11-29 13:43
when you've only got 17 syllables
every syllable still counts, be it for fun or the meaning of life.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Thu, 2012-11-29 13:09
Hi Jess
I have to disagree about ending a poem with a question never being strong. Sometimes the entire poem leads up to the question which is posed to get reader to think. .............stan
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-11-29 13:12
I'm sure you could provide examples
of great poems ending in a question, Stan,
but would you not agree it is generally a lame ending?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry