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THAT YOUNG GIRL
A summer eve
a baseball game
a girl who didn't
know my name
A nervous boy
made a call
to she who soon
became my all
Years of sharing
stars above
turned mere passion
into true love
Marriage and kids
soon raised and gone
a single soul
that I lean on
Years like pages
in a long book
I see that young girl
each time I look
*for Susan after 38 years
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Dalton
Thu, 2012-08-02 20:00
Hi Stan
Its wonderful shes your muse. Your lucky to have such a wife to give you visions. Shes your Aisling
John
Rula
Fri, 2012-08-03 06:48
Many years to come
Simple words but full of love ..Congratulations for both of you!!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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judyanne
Fri, 2012-08-03 07:50
simple and lovely
may you have another 38 and more stan
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Fri, 2012-08-03 09:23
hi Dalton
You are right about my being lucky.............stan
scribbler
Fri, 2012-08-03 09:25
hi Eph
No matter how long I gaze, I'll always see that young girl I saw that night............stan
scribbler
Fri, 2012-08-03 09:26
hi Rula
Thank you very much.............stan
scribbler
Fri, 2012-08-03 09:27
Hello Judy
I hope she can put up with me One more year much less 38 lol............stan
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-08-03 17:15
Just a bit of scansion, if I may suggest
A nervous boy
made a call
to she who soon
became my all
Years of sharing
stars above
turned mere passion
into love
phone is not necessary, true is a loss, but hear how it scans better?
Oh wait, I forgot, you don't speak English, you speak South Carolinan
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Fri, 2012-08-03 18:00
Hi Jess
Kind of amazing that though I speak Carolina southern and you speak Australian we still both can read English lol. I'll think about those changes. I used true to give a bit od alliteration . Might be a mistake in a minimalist poem like this. Thanks for coming by and dropping off some suggestions. Now I'll get out my Aussie- Southern dictionary and see if I can interpret them lmao..............stan
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-08-03 18:14
Oh, I should warn you,
that dictionary has been suppressed by the CIA to prevent an outbreak of open warfare between Australia and South Carolina.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Fri, 2012-08-03 20:33
hi
Who was it said "Americans and British are two people separated by a common language"? I guess the same hold true for Australians lol...........stan
scribbler
Sat, 2012-08-04 17:59
Hi Lonnie
Thank you Lonnie. With a bit of luck maybe we'll make it to 39 lol...............stan