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HOT DAY THOUGHTS (Japanese shop Tanka)
On hot summer days
my mind drifts back to the past
fishing beaver ponds
with my departed brother
to escape the heat
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Of the Japanese forms covered so far I think this one allows the most freedom in expression
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
BlueDemon77
Sat, 2012-07-07 22:04
great job, there is a reality and a sadness there
The form doesn't allow terribly much in the way of emotion in my opinion, I go for mostly images, but you've navigated that very well. Beautiful Tanka.
Ron
Blue Demon77
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
scribbler
Sun, 2012-07-08 08:49
hi Ron
It took a while to come up with a short write that had some nature,imagery and emotive content. Thanks for visiting.............stan
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-07-07 22:40
Gently poignant,
yes, it does evoke a mood and imagery. I'd say you've nailed it, mate.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
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scribbler
Sun, 2012-07-08 08:51
Hi Jess
You sound surprised lol. I guess I Can write without ambling along so much if forced to. Thanks for coming by.............stan
Ian.T
Sun, 2012-07-08 06:36
Stan
You have brought a load of things to the mind with a few words, and as usual a memory of something that you carry with love,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Sun, 2012-07-08 08:52
hello Ian
Thank you for such kind comment................stan
judyanne
Sun, 2012-07-08 07:37
i'm not in the workshop
but i just want to say that you have here a really good cutting line stan
well done
great word usage also, that elicits images that cause an emotive response - exactly what the form is supposed to do
nothing here to crit
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Sun, 2012-07-08 08:54
Hi "J"
Even a blind hog finds an occasional acorn lol. I'm glad you came by and took time to read my 1st tanka........stan
Barbara Writes
Sun, 2012-07-08 16:58
Stan
I knew you could do it. and your first Tanks is wonderful. the imagery is fine tune standing out like a art piece put to painting.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
scribbler
Sun, 2012-07-08 17:54
Hi
Could not have done it without this shop to show me how...............stan
Barbara Writes
Sun, 2012-07-08 21:07
Stan
makes me happy to know the workshop helped you:)
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community