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A Part of You
Your hands amaze me.
Strong yet tender
as the lightest touch from them
sends goosebumps trailing across my arms.
So soft and smooth
as you run your thumb across my cheek
-almost as an afterthought
before you turn away
and leave me standing here.
Breathless.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I've been working on this one for a little while and I'm not sure if I'm happy with it quite yet. Any suggestions on how to improve it?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-05-15 12:46
hello Anna,
Your title tells of the contents of a love poem, without being mushy. I like that. The second line seems a bit stark and mundane:
"They're so powerful"
how about something like: {powerful but capable of great tenderness} or {strong yet tender} or something to that effect.
I love the last line! As it defines the person's effect on you. "Breathless!"
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
AnnaNJ
Tue, 2012-05-15 22:36
Thank you for the pointers. I
Thank you for the pointers. I changed the second line so hopefully that's a little better.
Candlewitch
Thu, 2012-05-17 12:18
much better...
a good write even better!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
AnnaNJ
Fri, 2012-05-18 11:32
Thank you!
Thank you!
Bonitaj
Tue, 2012-05-15 16:08
Hi Anna!
at first reading, a powerful little poem! Evocative and well captured, you almost had me feeling those "goosebumps"!
Check the typo on "touch".
Well done!
Bonitaj
AnnaNJ
Tue, 2012-05-15 22:37
Thank you! I'm glad you
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Also thanks for letting me know about the typo I probably wouldn't have noticed that.
judyanne
Fri, 2012-05-18 11:41
almost powerful anna
but i would cut
' as the lightest touch from them
sends goosebumps trailing across my arms'
to.
'the lightest touch
sends goosebumps trailing'
just imho there loses the breathlessness of the write with their length
i enjoyed this
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
AnnaNJ
Fri, 2012-05-18 15:17
Will do, thanks for the
Will do, thanks for the suggestion. :)
raj
Sat, 2012-05-19 15:49
Hi Anna
in a few lines you have painted vivid sensuous moments in a very effective manner..
raj (sublime_ocean)
AnnaNJ
Sat, 2012-05-19 20:03
Thank you! That means a lot.
Thank you! That means a lot.