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Melt
Sometimes I want to melt...
Melt into my bed,
melt into the background,
melt into your arms,
melt into myself.
Sometimes I want to melt
until there’s nothing left.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
WonderGolly
Sat, 2012-04-07 09:22
Your poem brings to mind one
Your poem brings to mind one of those many times when we wished we never existed at all.
your wording is precise and your sentence structure is concise. Although short, your poem flows nicely.
nice write.
respects.
WonderGolly
What I love most about POETS is how they write SADNESS with SUNSHINE on their face, caption RAIN with FALLEN EMBERS and paint TEARS using the colours of WATERFALLS:lol
Candlewitch
Sat, 2012-04-07 14:57
Hello,
I think WonderGolly said it all :) (and I know that feeling well!)
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Sat, 2012-04-07 17:58
Hello
I'm a sucker for short poems. Probably because mine ramble on and on and.........Anyhow the only addition I would suggest is to consider adding Just in front of melt in next to last line. Structurally you could use the form to reinforce the last line in something like this:
Until
there's
..n
..o
,, t
.. h
.. i
..n
..g
....left
But that's just an off the cuff idea..........stan
Nordic cloud
Sun, 2012-04-08 15:44
Beautiful this
or just
until there's
nothing
left.
Nordic cloud.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
judyanne
Sun, 2012-04-08 15:49
i don't agree
with either scribbles or annanya
don't add anything to this
it is perfect as is
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Nordic cloud
Mon, 2012-04-09 06:14
Here here now, one can be
Here here now, one can be over-pretentious sometimes with poetry
where the straight forward simple statement
has enough in it to make the right impact.
So be it. Nordic cloud. annanya
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
or12
Thu, 2012-04-26 04:37
Melt
It's simplicity makes it unique.
Andrew
AnnaNJ
Thu, 2012-04-26 11:54
thank you! i really
thank you! i really appreciate it.