Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Felattitude
His grey eyes barely visible
in between green blades of grass
though crouched he stood
in readihood
his hunting skills first class.
~
The breeze was in his favor
plus, he was hidden in tall reed
an awkward stance
will eat circumstance
so his best is what he'll need
~
A polished element of surprise
and rehearsed moves he knows so well
he's honed each skill
with intent to kill
quietly longing for death's smell
~
All surrounding circumstances
fade clean away for each cat;
they couldn't care less
so what? If they make a mess
they practiced looking like they meant to do "that
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
weirdelf
Wed, 2011-10-12 07:53
Interesting structure, I like it
and a nice glimpse into felinity.
I think the ellipsis and inverted commas detract rather than add.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Thu, 2011-10-13 01:59
I see the revisions you just made
those commas weren't necessary but inverted commas are these things " ". And they definitely disrupt the flow of the read.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
docmaverick
Thu, 2011-10-13 15:10
elfman....
...didn't have the time to answer you. Here I thought I was being more clear.
doc.
Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==