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THE STRIPPER
Standing alone for all to stare
immodest limbs slowly sway
taking no notice, doesn't care
what you might think of the display
Only one light on comely form
but, then, one's all that's needed
disrobing has become the norm
gawking and dropped jaws go unheeded
Garish garb is slowly shed
slow dancing to an unheard tune
there goes the cloth of mostly red
full nudity will be here soon
completely naked, now all is bare
clothing scattered all around
I watch regardless if you care
as the maple sheds its leaves to ground
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Race_9togo
Mon, 2010-11-22 00:32
heehee
You had me going Scribbler, yes you did!
Great stuff.
One thing...speaking (ahem) from past observations..."dress scattered all around" would be "clothing scattered all around":- they always have many bits and pieces to doff. Part of the professional skillset, if you know what I mean.
;)
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
scribbler
Mon, 2010-11-22 19:10
stripper
I guess I can still pull off a surprise every now and then . Thanks for suggestion, I just used it.......scribbler
scribbler
Mon, 2010-11-22 19:12
HUH?
you're going to have some stripper on your pancakes ? Anybody I know lmao........stan
Race_9togo
Mon, 2010-11-22 21:44
LMFAO
Where the HELL can I get some of THAT????
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
scribbler
Mon, 2010-11-22 19:14
stripper
As you get older you'll find it becoming common to forget what you were going to.................What was I talking about ? lol........stan
Kailashana2
Mon, 2010-11-22 03:18
Yeah, but did you ever hear
Yeah, but did you ever hear them maple singing "Let me entertain you."?
You foxy little devil you.
~A
scribbler
Mon, 2010-11-22 19:16
stripper
No , but I have heard them whisper in the breeze lol. Thanks for coming by ........scribbler
judyanne
Mon, 2010-11-22 03:34
your usual excellent scribble scribbler
put a smile on my dial
love to you
judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Mon, 2010-11-22 19:18
stripper
Always good to put a smile on your dial for a while using guile...........stan
scribbler
Mon, 2010-11-22 19:19
stripper
glad to catch you once in a while..........stan
loved
Mon, 2010-11-22 20:33
I love to read uuu strip i may not do but i shall strip tease u
AS
soon as u and shirley too
stop reading me
i shall be gone
to where i belong
on triond i get 160 plus minus reads daily
and 30 to 55 comments too
they all love me so
once i have donated my thirty dollars
so earned
then i shall be gone
to where i belong
loved
scribbler
Mon, 2010-11-22 21:49
loved
I expect you to stay more than a while
to make me think and bring a smile
to myself and others here
who hold your writing to be dear