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THE PHANTOM'S TALE.

Submitted by Alex Tanner on Mon, 2024-10-21 18:16

"Oh! woe is me" the phantom wailed
As through ghostly halls his head he trailed:
"Oh! woe, Oh! woe, thrice woe again,
Eternally walking these halls of pain.
These walls wherein I met my doom
Hacked down in prime as flower in bloom.
You ask what crime deserves such fate
I'll tell a tale sad to relate.

In 1820 early one morn
The sun did herald a bright new dawn,
My lady called, Carruthers, here,
Bring early morning tea and fare.
Fare, a code, alone was she
Eager I ran, duty clear to see.
Full buxom was my lady fair
Lusts as fiery as her flaming hair.

She lay, disrobed on her silken bed
As I rushed in my clothes I shed
With a crash behind the door burst forth
His lordship there, his features coarse.
"Aha! cried he", Oho! cried I,
"I'm undone" cried she and swooning did lie
No chance had I, his sword hissed down
My head on carpet bounced around.

My tale is told, but things get worse
I'll tell you ere I end this verse
Of how, each hallows eve must I
Glide hotel halls, head held high
To frighten guests with curdling shrieks
And rattling chains on floors that creak,
But no one cares as I wail and moan
Great CGI they laugh, I groan".

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Contest: 
Haunted Hotel Image Prompt Contest
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-10-22 00:20

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "The Phantom's Tale" demonstrates a strong grasp of narrative and employs a consistent rhyming scheme, which helps to engage the reader. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm. While the rhyming scheme is consistent, the rhythm of the poem varies, which can disrupt the flow of the narrative. For example, the line "In 1820 early one morn" has a different rhythm than the following line "The sun did herald a bright new dawn". This inconsistency can be jarring for the reader.

Secondly, the poem could use more vivid and specific imagery. While there are some strong images in the poem, such as "His lordship there, his features coarse", there are also moments where the imagery is vague or clichéd, such as "Lusts as fiery as her flaming hair". Using more specific and original imagery could help to make the poem more engaging and memorable.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the phantom's emotions. The phantom's feelings are mostly told to the reader ("Oh! woe is me" the phantom wailed), rather than shown through his actions or the poem's imagery. Showing the phantom's emotions, rather than telling them, could help to make the poem more emotionally engaging.

In conclusion, while "The Phantom's Tale" has a strong narrative and consistent rhyming scheme, it could be improved by a more consistent rhythm, more vivid and specific imagery, and a more nuanced exploration of the phantom's emotions.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Tue, 2024-10-22 01:03

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the story quite intriguing and the rhyme, [as the A.I.] says is very good. However, I do agree that the meter could use a bit of care. Favorite part? Actually, the third stanza is the best! ~ Geez.
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