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Boardwalk

Submitted by Jokerface82 on Fri, 2024-09-20 20:45

His wooden legs soaked his feet into the sloshing
salty water. His body lifting up a board to walk
on. Sheets of purple lights drowned its slumber
with their glow.

A theatre of marine air mixed
with thalassic crabs and briny seafaring lobsters
sailed, filling are nostrils.

Strolling past we were met by a
turbulence of screaming pink lungs pirouetting
on a blur of neon lights on fair rides.

It was flecked with tourists and romantic
couples enjoying a few days off and a night out.
I decided to take her further so we walked under.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

09/24 Under the boardwalk

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2024-09-21 02:50

Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The imagery in your poem "Boardwalk" is vivid and evocative, creating a sensory experience for the reader. The use of descriptive language like "salty water," "purple lights," and "briny seafaring lobsters" helps to paint a picture of the setting. However, there are a few areas where you could enhance the poem.

Consider paying attention to the flow and structure of your lines. Some lines feel a bit disjointed, such as "His wooden legs soaked it's feet into the sloshing" which could be rephrased for smoother readability. Additionally, be mindful of punctuation and grammar to ensure clarity and coherence throughout the poem.

Furthermore, you may want to explore deeper themes or emotions within the poem to add layers of meaning. While the imagery is strong, delving into the internal experiences or reflections of the characters could enrich the overall narrative.

Overall, your poem shows promise with its rich imagery and descriptive language. By refining the structure, grammar

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

LilacsandLace

Wed, 2024-09-25 21:09

Your use of imagery, as

Your use of imagery, as always, is eloquent. I could envision this seaside scene with such a short poem. My only critique is with these lines:

"on. Sheets of purple lights drowned the sea
with their glow and a theatre of sea air mixed
with thalassic crabs and briny seafaring lobsters"

The use of the word "sea" three times in as many lines. The first one could be replaced with "waves." The second perhaps with something like "pungent" or "briny." Which I think could safely leave that "seafaring" to describe the lobsters. Overall, though, a lovely piece. It makes me miss the ocean.

Jokerface82

Fri, 2024-09-27 03:42

Thank you

Yeah I never noticed ty

author comment

Rula

Mon, 2024-09-30 03:36

Hello J.F

You have absolutely a unique style.
Every vivid imagery showers the reader with a showing rather than telling what's going on.
I, however stumbled over the flow of very first stanza (especially the the first two lines) and thought perhaps some punctuation might help in smoothing it, but this could be only me and wish to know what others have to say.
The last line is just perfect (imo)
Thank you for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤