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I'll Never Say Goodbye

Submitted by William Lynn on Tue, 2024-01-02 10:38

I know you had your demons
I know that you knew too,
I only wish I could have known
Where you were driven to.

I had seen the river rising,
I had seen the storm clouds form,
And the ever present shadows
Where the darkness seemed to swarm.

Perhaps you never knew
I loved you as you were,
Now all I have are memories
That will never leave nor blur.

I won't say goodbye to you
You are with me in my soul,
If only we had one more time
Before the darkness took its toll.

Let me make this promise
If you can hear me where you are,
I will look for you each evening
As I look from star to star.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 12/31/23 to 01/06/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-01-02 16:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem's exploration of loss and longing is poignant and resonates with the reader. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for a more impactful delivery.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery. While the use of 'river rising' and 'storm clouds form' effectively convey a sense of impending doom, they are somewhat clichéd. Consider using more unique or personal images to convey the same feelings.

Secondly, the rhythm of the poem could be more consistent. The poem mostly adheres to a 4-beat rhythm, but there are lines such as 'I loved you as you were,' and 'As I look from star to star' that disrupt this rhythm. Maintaining a consistent rhythm can help the poem flow more smoothly and make it more engaging to read.

Lastly, the use of 'you' and 'I' could be more balanced. The poem uses 'I' significantly more than 'you', which can make the poem feel more about the speaker than the person they are addressing. Balancing the use of these pronouns can help to emphasize the relationship between the two characters and make the poem feel more intimate.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Tue, 2024-01-02 14:27

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That's what this sounds like.
I think that you can use a little edit to the lines of the second stanza.

"I had seen the river rising.
I saw the storm clouds form
And the ever present shadows
Where darkness [seem[s] to swarm

Nicely done, Geez.
.

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William Lynn

Tue, 2024-01-02 14:43

William Lynn's picture

Hi Geez.

Thanks for reading the poem and for your suggestions. I think I want to keep it past tense, but I need to the line to read "Where the demons seemed to swarm".

It was not unrequited love, it was actually about my best friend since the third grade who took his own life.

Thanks again for your suggestions, they are always appreciated. - Will

author comment

Geezer

Tue, 2024-01-02 17:21

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for your loss. Yeah, I know that feeling. It was a long time ago, but I still feel like it wasn't fair, and maybe I could have talked him out of it. Nicely done sir, nicely done. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-01-02 15:20

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This line does not make sense to me:

I has seen the river rising,

do you mean: (I had seen or I have seen?)

these lines resonate with me:

I has seen the river rising,
I had seen the storm clouds form,
And the ever present shadows
Where the darkness seemed to swarm.

They make me feel like I did when my father left my mother and I paid the toll and fell through the cracks. I have abandonment issues. it is a recurring dream I have, being abandoned
A very good poem, excellent composition. Good flow all the way around! Sorry if I read something in that was not intended.

*hugs, Cat

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William Lynn

Tue, 2024-01-02 15:31

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Hi Cat.

My fat fingers got in the way and it was supposed to read "I had seen the rivers rising". Geezer caught it too.
I appreciate you catching that error, and as always I appreciate your, and Geezer's help.

I can understand how the poem might have reminded you of the abandonment. My friend since the third grade took his own life, and I feel like he abandoned me without saying goodbye.

Hope you are on the mend. Will

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Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-01-02 15:55

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I am on the mend, thank you :) Cat

p.s.
the thorn of abandonment is like a poison infecting the psyche I think it runs deep. I have not been able to neutralize it as of yet! But I keep trying. Writing helps!

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Lavender

Wed, 2024-01-03 09:53

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Hello, Will,
I feel the deep heartache within your words. Poetry can bring about peace. I hope writing this poignant poem has helped you.
Thank you,
L

William Lynn

Wed, 2024-01-03 11:04

William Lynn's picture

Hello Lavender.

Good to hear from you and thanks, as always, for reading the poem and for your comments.

Yes, heartache exists. The dichotomy is that I am happy my wonderful friend is finally at peace but why did I have to loose him without a chance to say goodbye? I totally agree that poetry can bring peace and much more. I started writing poetry to cope with the more malignant aspects of my chosen career (law enforcement) and it has served me well.

Thanks again! - Will

author comment

Ruby Lord

Wed, 2024-01-03 13:38

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This is a lovely tribute to a lost friend and I could feel your emotion in every word. My favourite stanza is this one:

I won't say goodbye to you
You are with me in my soul,
If only we had one more time
Before the darkness took its toll.

I know how hard it is to let go and we keep our loved ones with us for eternity. I really enjoyed this, the flow, the emotions, great job. Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

William Lynn

Fri, 2024-01-05 11:08

William Lynn's picture

Hello Ruby.

Good to hear from you, I hope all is well across the pond.

Thank you for reading the poem and for you kind comments. It is hard to let go, especially when you have a bit of guilt because you think you could, or should, have done more. Yet, life goes on as it should.
Thanks again! - Will

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