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Faults
Today, I wondered
Where is the light?
Here, I had suffered
Nothing feels right
With nowhere to go,
Nowhere to be,
Why do I not see
A fault in me?
Oh please, oh please tell
What can I be
When I live on Earth,
So painfully?
Nothing replies, but
Just out of sight
The wind whispers
One word of light.
"Remember." The pain,
Had hid inside
This small heart of mine.
I let it run.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Michael Anthony
Mon, 2021-12-06 10:59
Really enjoyed this piece,
Really enjoyed this piece, and the imagery is wonderful. Just my opinion, but as I read this back and skipped the third stanza, it had a much better flow, and a more powerful message. Thank you for sharing!
Best
Michael Anthony
Seren
Tue, 2023-02-14 05:45
Dear Clobro
I think this is an relevant poem in todays world so many people are struggling to be what ever youre meant to be,
Now I agree with Michael on that third stanza but I think the hitch could be smoothed out thus.
*Oh please tell me*
What can I be
When I live on Earth,
So painfully?
Changing that one line makes all the difference, as always, my suggestions are just that.
Kind Regards Seren
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Clobro
Thu, 2023-02-16 00:55
i already removed the third stanza he talked about
thank you for the words
Seren
Thu, 2023-02-16 02:03
You're welcome that reads
You're welcome that reads much better
Regards Seren/Jayne
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats