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Acceleration
What we wish all our lives
Is for days to rush and hurry,
Until the next paycheck comes,
How to survive we always worry.
Trapped in a loop, we all are,
Running only to stand still.
We may even sell the car
Just to pay some f**king bill.
Brain fools itself into thinking
A small difference can be made,
But somehow life’s final bill
Ends up being overpayed.
If only we could hit the brakes
While hurtling to our crate,
But there’s nothing we can do,
Nothing but accelerate.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Triskelion
Sat, 2022-11-19 12:11
Hi Jack
It's a good one. The meter sets a perfect pace for the message. I'd like to see the word "worry" in S1,L4, but overall entertaining and relative.
Cheers!
Thomas
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Jack W. Stanley
Sat, 2022-11-19 18:51
Hi Thomas,
You are absolutely right. The word "worry" would be perfect for the rhyme. I will think about the alternatives for this line so it can be incorporated.
Thank you for your comment.
Cheers!
Jack
Geezer
Sat, 2022-11-19 15:57
I agree...
I would like to see the word worry in that line. How about: We do nothing but worry."? All in all, a good poem that just about anyone can sympathize with. ~ Fast paced and relevant! ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Jack W. Stanley
Sat, 2022-11-19 18:52
Hi Geezer,
Thanks for the comment. I will consider some alternatives as I completely agree.
Cheers!
Jack
Lavender
Sat, 2022-11-19 21:13
Acceleration
Hello, Jack,
I like this very much. My favorite lines:
But somehow life's final bill
Ends up being overpaid (overpayed / spelling?)
I stumble a bit with the first line of the final stanza. Perhaps "If only we could hit the brakes..."
I agree - this is relatable to all of us.
Thank you,
Lavender
Jack W. Stanley
Sun, 2022-11-20 18:30
Hi Lavender,
SInce English is not my native language I was unsure, so I googled the spelling and used what came out as a result.
As for the line you mention, you are absolutely right. The stumbling line is a leftover from the beginning where I tried to follow ABAB stanza rhythm. Your suggestion is much appreciated and immediately implemented.
Thank you for reading and for your comment.
Cheers!
Jack
Jack W. Stanley
Wed, 2023-01-25 06:08
Thak you Mark,
Sometimes I feel like a hamster in a wheel. It would be great if we could break away and be ourselves, all day, every day...
Cheers,
Jack