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To a Late Afternoon Dahlia in a Suburban Garden
This afternoon I see you
shouting out to me
across the space between us.
And, clever as I am,
I keep the space a chasm;
my mind indeed a mumble
of mindless mumbo-jumbo:
Of such are media’s mantras.
But, sun behind me, warm
shadows point to you:
your petals splayed and orange,
how spread and full and round:
a yawn-stretch breath of life
bud and burst forth to
an intimacy unexpected.
How come I do not see you?
Joy, the colour orange
that tugs at my soul so numb
and busy with distraction
that blinds and deafens dumb
a heart and soul asleep
And oh, so superficial.
By any other name a
dahlia is a rose;
like daisies on a lawn of
cut grass caught in sunlight.
They dance the lime-tree rustle
and quiver with delight
to see your splendour
spell the interface of silence.
This afternoon I see you
shouting out to me:
Now close the space between us.
And, dumb as I am,
I hear your song of silence—
amidst the pins and needles
the flow of life begins
And’s spoken with nothing but
‘Ah!’
Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
Sat, 2023-01-21 04:40
Welcome to neopoet
I see this is your first post. Allow me to welcome you. I read your bio and your last words.
I think that this poem is very good. The language and wording are good, you’ve got some nice alliteration in places. Definitely feels like a spoken word piece. The title is long however, you can’t really describe what the poem is about better than that so I can take it or leave it. I’d make a few small changes.
This afternoon I see you
shouting out to me
across the space between us.
Clever as I am,
I keep the space a chasm;
my mind indeed a mumble
of mindless mumbo-jumbo:
such, are media’s mantras.
But, sun behind me,
warm shadows point to you:
your petals splayed and orange,
how spread and full and round:
a yawn-stretch breath of life
bud and burst forth
to an intimacy unexpected.
How come I do not see you?
Joy, the colour orange
that tugs at my soul so numb
which is busy with distraction
that blinds and deafens dumb
a heart and soul asleep
and oh, so superficial.
By any other name
a dahlia is a rose;
like daisies on a lawn of cut grass
caught in sunlight.
They dance the lime-tree rustle
and quiver with delight
to see your splendour
spell the interface of silence.
This afternoon I see you
shouting out to me:
Now close the space between us.
Dumb as I am,
I hear your song of silence—
amidst the pins and needles
the flow of life begins
and is spoken with nothing but
‘Ah!’
Your last words said you wanted a more serious critique. I hope I hit the mark. All in all it was very good and really didn’t need much attention. Obviously these are my opinions as a reader and a writer. Take them as you will.
Welcome again and I hope to read more soon,
Tim
Patrick Terrence
Sat, 2023-01-21 17:12
Thanks, Tim, that's very
Thanks, Tim, that's very helpful.
RoseBlack
Sat, 2023-01-21 10:29
Welcome
To Neopoet! I agree with Tim's suggestions. I also thought this was beautifully written. Flowers are delicate and so was your use of language and expression, while providing vivid imagery. Well done! I look forward to watching your poetry grow as you blossom on the site!
~RoseBlack~
Lavender
Sat, 2023-01-21 14:11
To A Late Afternoon Dahlia
Hello, Patrick,
Welcome! The mood of this reminded me of "I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud" by William Wordsworth as he dances with the daffodils. Your poem is lovely. I like the form as it brings a lighthearted sense of wonder and delight. The language is so elegant, I believe I would replace "How come I do not see you?" with "How is it I do not see you" or "Why do I not see you?" I think I would also change the last line to read: "And speaks with nothing but 'Ah!' Again, I find this to be so lovely.
Thank you!
Lavender
Rosewood Apothecary
Sat, 2023-01-21 16:56
Good call
It does bring to mind that poem! You’re super good.
Patrick Terrence
Sat, 2023-01-21 17:15
Thanks, Lavender. 'How come?'
Thanks, Lavender. 'How come?' is colloquial to the part of New Zealand I come from. But your suggestion gives it a more universal flavour. Thank you.
Rosewood Apothecary
Sat, 2023-01-21 17:34
How come
Totally a common saying in the New England states. We say “how come?” Instead of “why?” I read that as natural as anything.
Tim