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Ribbons
don't let those
who see my back
discern the love you give
tonight
from clues
I’d kept company
with a cornered beast
dont let the rest
think you can't
grab a talon's worth
of fresh flesh
from an unmade man
untethered now
underneath you
remember ribbons
you tried to make
fuck your presents
be done wrapping
dig hands in
carve me from bone
and make the man
you know you want
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Seren
Fri, 2023-01-13 13:08
Dear Indivisible Origin
This is a really good poem, I believe you should break it up to give more emphasis and punch, it's there just needs a little more work, I am an old member returned and if you want? I am happy to offer suggestions. Nothing major, just tweaks to give this one a lil more oomph.
nice to meet you
Sincerely, Jayne-Chloe
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Indivisible_Origin
Wed, 2023-01-18 20:08
Humbled
Hello, I would love your help and feedback, that would be wonderful. I agree it could use something. It's older this one, and its muse now lost long ago on the river but I can summon the moment succinctly and I feel I did a decent job of carrying the energy over into this decent cup without spilling much. If you could help me do better justice to seeing that energy all the way through I'd be grateful.
IO
Seren
Thu, 2023-01-19 12:34
IO
It's nearly 5am here and I need to sleep but I have copied this and will show you some examples of edits you could consider and of course they are always just suggestions
Kind regards Jayne
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Candlewitch
Thu, 2023-01-19 12:45
dear IO,
you are one of my favorite poets here on Neopoet. I always am happy to see one of your poems in the stream. this poem is really good, and with Seren's help I know it can be even better. the reason you are a favorite of mine is because you own your feelings and are honest about them. I will be glad to read the results of your efforts with Seren.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Seren
Sat, 2023-01-21 23:59
Cat
What do you think of my suggestions? I had fun with this one IO gave me a little context and I had already done the edit but then I went and changed it again lol
love ya x
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Seren
Sat, 2023-01-21 23:58
Dear IO
Here are my suggestions for an edit....
don't let those
who see my back
discern the love
you give tonight
clues I’d kept *agency*
with a cornered *savage*
dont let the rest
think you can't
grab a *unguis* worth
of fresh flesh
from an unmade man
untethered now
underneath you
remember*ing* ribbons ??? not sure about this one.. remembering flows better for me
you tried to make
fuck your presents
be done wrapping
dig hands in
carve me from *ossein*
and make the man
All my edits are obvuously * except of course how I broke it up
I hope I kept the flavour.
Knowing this went with your other poem gave me some insight
and helped in my re-edit I did it all over again lol
I changed bones to ossein because it felt and tasted better to me
As always my suggestions are just that, suggestions!!!
hugs
JC
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Candlewitch
Tue, 2023-01-24 16:26
good...
suggestions. I'm glad to see others appreciation of I_O's poetry.
*hugs & love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Seren
Wed, 2023-01-25 10:15
Dear Cat
Thanks Cat. I enjoy his work and I'm slowly discovering others as time permits. I'm still easing my way back in and don't wanna be like a bull in a china shop. You know I can be excitable lol hugs
Love Always Jayne. Xoxox
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats