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Blackest Crow
All I could feel
were the calls
of the worrying crows
Midnight-black, as they are,
picking over the remains
of your absence
And in this way
I miss you,
waiting for time to
chase them away
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Sun, 2023-01-15 10:46
Your title...
brought me in, I love crows. I don't know about feeling the calls of the crows, it doesn't seem to fit. Maybe you should say:
All I hear
are the calls
of worried crows
The rest of it is great. I particularly like the lines:
"Midnight black as they are
picking over the remains
of your absence."
Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Michael Anthony
Sun, 2023-01-15 12:25
Thanks Geez! My thinking
Thanks Geez! My thinking behind using "feel" rather than "hear" (I did try it both ways), was that this piece relies heavily on crows as metaphor for grief. Thought "feel" was the better fit in this context. Always appreciate your comments.
Best
Michael Anthony
Geezer
Sun, 2023-01-15 17:06
Got it...
Yeah, I see what you mean. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Rosewood Apothecary
Sun, 2023-01-15 15:29
The personification of the crows
As grief and longing is brilliant. The word choices are really good.
Maybe
Taunting my ears
were the calls
of the worrying crows
Just a suggestion.
I really like this
It’s like an album cover for some hipster doom metal quartet. Totally amazing.
Tim
Michael Anthony
Thu, 2023-01-19 09:52
Hipster doom metal quartet?
Hipster doom metal quartet? Love it! Now we just need a band name... Thanks as always for your visit Tim, and the stanza suggestion. I like it!
Best
Michael Anthony
Rosewood Apothecary
Thu, 2023-01-19 11:44
Magpie’s Void
Lol
Michael Anthony
Thu, 2023-01-19 12:14
Awesome!
Awesome!
Michael Anthony
Lavender
Sun, 2023-01-15 18:12
Blackest Crows
Hello, Michael,
I feel the emptiness.
L
Michael Anthony
Thu, 2023-01-19 09:53
A little less empty now,
A little less empty now, thanks to the comments shared here.
Best
Michael Anthony
Candlewitch
Tue, 2023-01-17 10:25
dear Michael,
deep sorrow and melancholy mood. I love the metaphor here.
*hugs, Cat
*ever, eddy
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Michael Anthony
Thu, 2023-01-19 09:55
Yeah, it was a bit darker
Yeah, it was a bit darker than much of my writing. Always glad to hear from you CW.
Best
Michael Anthony