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Something in the Wind
When all my spoken promises
Deprived of mass, become windswept
Displaced by tempest of the mind
Destined, never to be kept
Depressed, dejected, but aware
I will retreat into myself
Spend some time and walk the halls
Examine all the dusty shelves
Tokens and reminders there
Like little trophies from the past
Tarnished with elapsing time,
sweat, and tears their cups amassed
Amongst the flotsam all around
I see the object of my search
A gentle net upon a pole
Resides upon intended perch
I fetch it down and waste no time
The wind is heedless to my cause
I rush on through the ante room
Without the luxury of pause
Bewildered by this stroke of luck
The wind is stagnant, what a sight
Both pledge and vow list in the air
Flash bugs on a summer night
Suspended and not drifting far
Weightless fodder for my net
Today must be a lucky day
Maybe, I’ll reclaim them yet
Comments
Candlewitch
Sat, 2022-07-09 07:06
dear Tim,
it is a worthy goal and path that you have set your feet upon. I wish you good luck with it. I really like these lines:
Suspended and not drifting far
Weightless fodder for my net
Today must be a lucky day
Just maybe, I’ll reclaim them yet
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Candlewitch
Sat, 2022-07-09 07:07
p.s.
I really like your title
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Sat, 2022-07-09 07:30
I'm loving...
this piece! I like the title, the theme and the rhyme. Just a couple of little bobbles in the meter, that can be fixed with a little attention. Sometimes the meter can be thrown off by a simple placement of words.
I would try using:
Destined, never to be kept instead of the proffered line.
[Alas]? Alas usually denotes the dismay of a scenario. I would use [Hooray!]
Delete the word [Like], you still get the idea across and keep the meter.
Delete the [Just], again, you get the message across, keeping the meter.
All-in-all, a very good poem that kept my interest all the way through. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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RoseBlack
Sat, 2022-07-09 10:02
I like
Everything about this. I think we all save things from our past and sometimes revisiting them brings back such fond memories. Excellent write!
~RoseBlack~
Warrior Princess
Sat, 2022-07-09 14:24
Rosewood Apothecary this was
Rosewood Apothecary this was a fine read. I like the fact that in the poem you were able to bring out the optimistic spirit of the person while reminiscing on trophies and tokens.
My favourites lines are
Depressed, dejected, but aware
I will retreat into myself.
Spend some time and walk the halls
Examine all the dusty shelves
Self-reflection and being present in our own space allow us to think and look at life from a different perspective, being grateful for what we would have accomplished. Beautifully penned.
Candice Vitalien
"Keep glowing even if no one can see your light.
For among the hidden stars on the darkest night
Someone will look up and behold
The flickering hope; words untold;
Strength and Honour my Warriors! "
Rosewood Apothecary
Sat, 2022-07-09 14:42
I adore you all
Getting the warm and fuzzies over here. You’re all too kind. I kinda like it.
Gratitude,
Tim
Geezer
Mon, 2022-07-11 05:51
I see that...
you have rewritten and rearranged this piece to be better than ever! I applaud your sense of what it takes to make this even more than it was in the beginning! Bravo! ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.