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MY HEARTTHROB
In me thou sees the light of such a day,
'cause I'm your heartthrob I always pray,
I set up my vision for the right angle,
looking forward like a flying eagle.
do not grumble about my delay,
for in thee our love is born this day,
we're like shooting stars moving forward,
don't relent or bend in the way of the froward.
love is not the way it looks and shiny,
I'm real; even my conscience testifies a tiny
truth without validation of real evidence;
for in us the Lord shall take preeminence.
I promise, guilty conscience shall never stand,
we're the two lover-birds anticipating to land.
never mind waves gliding day by day,
if we settle down, let understanding stay.
©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu
Review Request (Intensity):
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How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2022-04-13 03:58
Here are a few changes...
that I would make:
In me thou sees the [light] of such a day
this relationship shall never dangle - delete [that]
do not grumble [delete mutter] about my delay
for in thee our love is born this day
we're like shooting star[s] moving forward [add an ess]
never mind waves [gliding day by day]
when we settle down, let understanding stay
I like your title, your language use is getting better
and the logic is good from beginning to end.
I think with a few changes, that it will smooth out.
~ Geez.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Jackweb
Wed, 2022-04-13 08:23
Please
check the stanza 1 you ask me to remove if the line is ok. Thanks!
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
Geezer
Wed, 2022-04-13 13:49
I meant...
for you to remove just the word [that], not the whole line.
Sorry for the misunderstanding. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Jackweb
Wed, 2022-04-13 16:47
Oh I lost it
And I don't have a draft. But is the replaced line ok?
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
Geezer
Thu, 2022-04-14 09:56
Yes...
It's fine. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Jackweb
Thu, 2022-04-14 16:43
Thank you
I'm really grateful Geezer!
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
Ray Whitaker
Sat, 2022-04-16 10:24
in the header "Revisions" above
is a copy of your original submission
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Candlewitch
Wed, 2022-04-13 07:22
good work, Jack!
just follow Geezer's instruction and you will smooth out your poem, which is quite good!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Jackweb
Wed, 2022-04-13 08:02
Infinite thanks
Both of you! I will do as you rightly said. Thank you so much Geezer and Cat.
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
Candlewitch
Wed, 2022-04-13 08:10
no problems,
dear Jack,
I greatly enjoy reading your poetry, so it is not a problem to comment on them.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Jackweb
Wed, 2022-04-13 08:29
Well done Ma
I appreciate your words
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
scribbler
Thu, 2022-04-14 16:55
Hi
A lot of the words are almost Olde English but that's OK. But angle and eagle are pretty far apart as far as rhyme goes. Enjoyed the read
Jackweb
Thu, 2022-04-14 20:22
Old English
I used it intentionally. Thanks for spotting the line
; eagle & angle
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb