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Before the fire ceases (Idle time workshop)
I am witness
to an inner war
between me and pseudo me
taking pendulous swings
in harmonic motion
holding me captive
caught in the crossfire
amidst mindful and mindless
thoughts, emotions, sentiments,
ducking excuses, guilt, misgivings;
looking within and without
in search of the naked truth
before I cease to fire
all about, who I am, and
am I what I am meant to be?
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Gracy
Sat, 2020-07-11 11:14
Hi raj, I understand this
Hi raj, I understand this poem to be about a soldier wondering whether he/she should go to war? Alas, so many lads are volunteering to go mainly because they can't get any other job. I saw a movie about this question the other day. Mostly, the young soldiers are terrified and many die a pointless death.
I may have understood your poem all wrong, so please let me know. I like your title. Your poem is also psychological or maybe meditation such as Budhism or Hinduism. Not sure. Best, Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
raj
Sat, 2020-07-11 12:22
Dear Gracy
read your perception of my poem...though it wasn't meant to be that way, i think it also works...
my poem is about the internal turmoil, particularly as one advances in age and looks back at his/her life, tying to figure out if the purpose in life...for which he/she is brought in this world though His grace is really served....
Let me know if this works well enough...
thanks for reading and sharing yo9ur perception....
have a nice weekend with your loved ones...
raj (sublime_ocean)
c lynn brooks
Sat, 2020-07-11 17:21
raj
well done my friend
you have captured the inner conflict we all have from time to time
I find this work to be flawless
good to see you back
Chrys
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raj
Sun, 2020-07-12 01:38
Thanks Chrys
for stopping by and your comment..
be well..
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Sat, 2020-07-11 17:35
Hi Raj
I liked this because it's a subject we all think about. You might want to look over the last three lines though. Their message comes through but the wording seems a bit awkward to me.....stan
raj
Sun, 2020-07-12 01:39
Hi Stan
Thanks for stopping by and your comment...I will think about your coment about last three lines...
Be well..
raj (sublime_ocean)
jetz
Sun, 2020-07-12 02:33
I love this!
Your title is awesome Raj. A subject all too familiar
to us aging 'embers.' The end does feel a bit off as Stan
pointed out. I'd like to see you work your title in there. Just
a comment., not an order. :) Have I told you what a pleasure
it is to read you again?
Sue
raj
Sun, 2020-07-12 02:55
Hello Sue
Appreciate your time and welcome your positive critique. Will think about it during edit
Thanks,
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Sun, 2020-07-12 07:21
Thanks Alan
for taking time to read and comment...i have accepted your suggestion already..
be well..
raj (sublime_ocean)