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Elizabeth’s dream.
When I departed Elizabeth’s dream
nobody heard her imperious screams
Silent they were to this treacherous boy
ragging on antipodean soil
Silent they were to this frenzied ear
Clearing the air in some hemisphere
as earth is to earth, I’m the heir
of a strangling secret that no-one dare
Talk without shame, in polite company
though this is a thing all feel quite plainly
When Elizabeth vein, lowers her drawers
and all of the commoners, shown to the door-
Perhaps that vestibule, pitched where they are
will congregate swiftly, talking of scars
finely fine, blend unblemished air
And all those lost souls will know
What it was to be fair.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Alright, "structured-ish"- this literally was a dream, more of a song, a lyric idea of fleeing the old country and finding new secrets down under. Wanted to get out while raw, hope it strikes a chord.
cheers.
Editing stage:
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Comments
valene
Thu, 2018-03-01 06:21
But for a couple of lines,
some word swapping and choices, i think you've let the chick out.
Nice work, enjoyed.
Best wishes....val
vandiemenspeak
Tue, 2018-03-06 05:11
Thanks Valene
Swift editing will resume. Some shunted forced rhymes etc. It's still rough, I will take your suggestions on board. Thank you.
Chris.
Chris Hall - Tasmania
Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.
Obadiah Grey
Thu, 2018-03-01 09:48
Awwww, I'm glad its only
Awwww, I'm glad its only "structured-ish", it allows for the pedant in me to say,,
whoooo, this could be good ! but for a few omitted salient words, (in essence, I'm jealous)
Obi.
vandiemenspeak
Tue, 2018-03-06 05:13
Thanks Obi for the feedback..
I will attempt to find those salient words. Elizabeth will continue to dream without me..:)
Cheers,
Chris
Chris Hall - Tasmania
Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.
chevyvent
Thu, 2018-03-01 13:24
Great concept here
Really great piece
Mario Vitale
vandiemenspeak
Tue, 2018-03-06 05:14
Cheers Mario, still trying..
to nut out the concept/conceit myself. Thanks for reading.
Cheers,
Chris.
Chris Hall - Tasmania
Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.