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Fear's Transgression (with vid)
REWRITTEN AND RETITLED BY WEIRDELF
Fear's Transgression
I'm so worried, stretched and drawn,
really worried, my skin is worn
To think, that ghastly gleaming grimace comes for me,
Too soon! I've yet to save each moment's words,
To build a mountain, a mountain range of all life's
savage, leering, laughing joys and scattered turds.
I fall back, glaring rapaciously into the roiling night
terror sucks me from the ground into a wormhole.
That I might miss the chance to write it all
from bang to entropy, I fall in thrall of loss
to the void behind her pinpoint pupils
this time stares back with little of import,
for just this hour must replace the years I'd hoped
for something real, more real than this, cheap chapped kiss
and tying off the tourney, work the fist and pat the vein
seeing the bloom of blood into the fit, I know
that nothing's worth me coming back again.
Video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ue9pLa5GUU
The original When I have fears...
John Keats (1795-1821)
WHEN I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high pil`d books, in charact'ry,
Hold like rich garners the full-ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face, 5
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And feel that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour!
That I shall never look upon thee more, 10
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;—then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think,
Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink.
Comments
Sparrow
Thu, 2017-07-27 04:07
Jess
Loved your stripping of the original.
The rewrite came across as the same message of the imagery removed and the original.
I thought that the rewrite had to contradict the situation of the original, sort of full of life and running a marathon type where your youth spilled onto your pathway ??
Take care out there, Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
weirdelf
Fri, 2017-07-28 00:24
I didn't go opposite as Stan requested
however it is significantly different. More egocentric yet cosmic despair than thoughtful sadness.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Thu, 2017-07-27 08:11
I've
read this twice and am still unsure what to make of it. I shall return.......stan
weirdelf
Fri, 2017-07-28 00:23
please do,
see my reply to Ian above.
I also intend to edit this as I think it could stand as a work in its own right.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Sparrow
Fri, 2017-07-28 03:57
Jess
Your write is excellent and as you say could stand alone as a snarl at death and its approaching wretchedness.
I shall wait for the edited version and I know there are a few more things you can say on the subject.
Take care and know you are in our thoughts,
Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
scribbler
Fri, 2017-07-28 19:30
edits
are permitted right up until shop's end is announced
weirdelf
Sat, 2017-07-29 12:22
my reading
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/so-worried
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
fink555
Tue, 2017-08-01 18:43
This
serves as a constructive revision of Keats' original. Most people, if you talk to them, have no idea he was an atheist. But most people don't read Keats at all, so it is an improvement for them to have an image of him period.
weirdelf
Tue, 2017-08-01 20:29
Thanks John,
I did some more revisions and a better reading as I think it stands as a work in its own right.
In fact I'm pretty chuffed with it.
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/so-worried
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Mon, 2019-02-25 21:50
Wow,
ta, mate.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry