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After Dinner
What do we do with time untouched?
After the dinner and decadent desserts,
After the whispers and the wine?
What do we do when the light has faded
And the breeze that once billowed
In the nebulous sheers has stilled?
What do we do with time unspoken?
After the kisses and carnal caresses,
After ecstasy and exhaustion?
What do we do once the candle is guttered and low,
And the scent of melting clings to
The windowsill and wallpaper?
What do we do with time unremembered?
After the bliss is bled from our veins,
After sleep begins her seductive serenade?
What do we do once the world has stilled,
Drained of all its energy in an instant,
but sit and submit to the silence?
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Eumolpus
Thu, 2017-03-30 10:41
your poem
really wonderful poem, a truly complete and sophisticated work of art. I am quite moved, great language and emotion. I will definitely look at your other work.
I noticed Heaney is a favorite of yours. Because of his status I have tried so hard to "get him" but have fallen flat. I recently went again to a book of his collected works and found only one poem I liked, "Oysters". Direct me to some of your favorites if you have a chance. Much appreciated.
.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Rhiannon1010
Thu, 2017-03-30 11:54
A great place to start
I would say the best place to start with him is perhaps his most noted poem "Digging." It a simple yet powerful look at changing familial tradition and heritage.
lovedly
Thu, 2017-03-30 11:39
desserts,
reverse it
====stressed===prefix de
=destressed
did you not know it!
hopefully
now you do
and all your questions
will be answered
smilingly and silently
Rhiannon1010
Thu, 2017-03-30 11:57
Thank you
I indented this poem to be a follow up to my earlier work, "The Dinner." In that poem there is a strong building tension that is totally absent here. "After Dinner" is devoid of any driving force other than the emptiness of the night. The silence on a deserted battlefield, the serenity after a storm.
lovedly
Thu, 2017-03-30 12:35
just wonderful I love/admire creators like you
silence on a deserted battlefield,......
......the serenity after a storm.......
the quietude after a tsunami
dejection
on a woman's face
after abortion/miscarriage
really creative
will read and learn more poetry
from you
lady
weirdelf
Sun, 2017-04-02 20:21
Quite a brilliant piece of poetry
Need I say more?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
swamp-witch
Sun, 2017-04-02 20:37
I really like this follow up to The Dinner
I think it is a real challenge to be successful when writing a poem that is all questions, but I think you've nailed it, Rhiannon! The poem certainly captures a feeling I know all too well. I don't know anything like the decadence of The Dinner, but after a big project, I always feel worthless and listless and don't know what to do with myself after the initial sense of accomplishment quickly subsides! I guess that's close enough. I can tell myself that I'm like Sherlock Holmes: married to my work. Yeah?
One small suggestion, if you don't mind:
And the breeze that once billowed --> because you have "once" on the line previous, you might consider using a synonym or something similar here that doesn't alter the message too much, so that the same word isn't repeated so closely together. Sometimes that can make a reader stumble. What about "breeze that often billowed" or "breeze that playfully billowed?" Just a thought!
Kelsey
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Rhiannon1010
Thu, 2017-08-24 22:21
Thank you so much for pointing that out.
Sorry for the long time to respond. Thank you so much for pointing that out. I've made what I think is a serviceable edit.
swamp-witch
Thu, 2017-08-24 23:42
No worries!
:)
Take care,
Kelsey
Critique, don't comment.
Community guidelines: https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.
vandiemenspeak
Tue, 2017-08-08 09:37
Just discovered this, and the previous piece.
This is quite exquisite, thoughtfully executed, and I like the way you handled the scent of candles clinging to to he room, after being snuffed, actually triggered a sense memory, which is a rare thing to find in a piece of poetry for me. This coupled with the previous piece, which was deliciously poised, and left you wondering, what happens after the dinner? Bravo, great stuff. I'm with you on Heaney too, Digging is a good place to start, famous Seamus and his shiny spade, and the image of his mother, peeling potatoes, even in interviews he was poetic till the end, with descriptions of "Land like butter" and that " The day was given to silence" when a reporter asked him what was going to happen with the remains of the day. Gotta love it.
Thanks ,
Chris.
Chris Hall - Tasmania
Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.
Rhiannon1010
Fri, 2017-08-11 05:21
Thank you
I'm very glad that my imagery was evokative for you.
lovedly
Tue, 2017-08-08 14:22
no response
appears distasteful
after a salted night's dessert
do not poets here desert
we spend time reading you
wrong trend
may be spread by you
Rhiannon1010
Tue, 2017-08-22 14:37
Life is more
Than a glowing screen
Or clever lines to read between.
Liesure's pleasure in liesure's time
Is all that serves for wit and rhyme.
A poet's work is not the place
To air your grievances for the pace
At which I write a little note
Just so you have chance to gloat.
Though your complaints are astoundingly ample,
I've yet to see you lead by example.
weirdelf
Tue, 2017-08-22 14:51
Brilliant!
[chuckles quietly]
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Fri, 2017-08-11 11:52
love
is that which remains after all other is said and done........stan
weirdelf
Fri, 2017-08-25 09:15
love is that which causes all good things to be said and done.
"after all other is said and done" includes bad things.
Maybe we are getting back to banter, Stan.
I hope so.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry