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L O S A L L U D E Z
fan on the ceiling
rotates
blades tearing
movie cellular frames
per second
high speed intrinsic
shadows
on a mind captivated
in depths imaginable
sunlight refracting
from tile gritty floor
beneath a thick
sunproof
soundproof shroud
a stupor pretty voice
from an eat in kitchen
rolls with a lisp
its funny
a funny smile like
a crescent
beneath the sloshing
motor of the fan
714
whisper
through veins
charged as a race
horse
now a canter
de canted
gravity tilts
but nothing
to hold onto
a heart shaped
face leans
over
iris the color
of moist seaweed
on legs long
pier pale
bleached
longtitude
"U look fucked"
a starfish crawling
beneath a lens
google black
rimmed eyes
close mine
currents spin
and kisses
on each eyelid
soft as sediment
falling to bury
drowning
with each depth
dust like
dirt
ashes to ashes
can feel all the
pores from her
hot nostrils
feel the downy
hairs on her
cheek
pressed to my
drum ribs
catch a signal
baby
hair like saffron
skin as pale
as bahama
beaches
im a creature
lost lagoon
her favourite
feature
...
Comments
Esker
Sat, 2016-06-25 03:41
can feel every pore..
so after taking advice about the dropping of the and
there than...I wrote the above to try it out
and it works....
put one in the opening line..
wasnt hard but it wasnt easy either
which I like
fan on a ceiling
ceiling fan...
short and sweet
no the...which sounds like
Duh...
or Uh..
the kind of thing when
making speeches..
"and our Uh..annual forcast
for the run up costs of prediction
slope...Uh will be found in table
six of ...Uh the page six on
the litany of dues..Uh..."
U get it
so I tried something new
thank U!
eleanor prince
Sat, 2016-06-25 16:05
To Esker - 7th Stanza
can feel the pores
hot breath
downy cheeks
pressed to my
drum ribs
(made it more succinct - what do you think?)
Esker
Sun, 2016-06-26 16:04
like the rework!
thanks!
eleanor prince
Mon, 2016-06-27 16:27
Response to Esker
Thanks for being cool about my tramping through your poem slashing limbs off a waiting tree... lol! You're a good sport, and I see you warmed to some of what I suggested, but as you seem to be saying, it can't go too drastic before it is another style, or someone else's poem - but I think an idea was ignited re possibilities and that can be like a fresh breeze on an otherwise great terrain. Love the topic of your poem and its relevance as a metaphor for life - good work! ;)
Esker
Sat, 2016-06-25 03:44
beneath a sloshing fan motor
in some context the thought process is almost
translation type of japanese
"motor of sloshing fan..".
per example
on ward....
eleanor prince
Sat, 2016-06-25 15:55
To Esker - 2nd stanza
'a stupor pretty voice
from an eat in kitchen
rolls with a lisp
its funny
a funny smile like
a crescent
beneath the sloshing
motor of the fan'
line breaks and repetition of 'funny' felt like it all needed tightening up?
a pretty voice
rolls with a lisp
curious crescent
rises quaint
to a sloshing kitchen fan
Esker
Sat, 2016-06-25 17:21
aint curios
she aint no curtsey girl
..
like the reworking though!
eleanor prince
Sat, 2016-06-25 15:58
To Esker - 3rd Stanza
714 (guess this means 7.14am)
whisper
through veins charged
race-horse powered
now a canter
de canted (love the concept of 'a canter de-canted')
Esker
Sat, 2016-06-25 17:20
no..seven fourteen stands for a benzo
vintage poem
again no punctuation
but
it could mean
seven fourteen
the obtuse ness
of this is so great
eleanor prince
Mon, 2016-06-27 16:28
To Esker - re 'beneath a sloshing fan motor'
good observation - thanks!
eleanor prince
Sat, 2016-06-25 15:49
To Esker - 1st stanza
Fascinating poem. Love the short, power-packed lines. Have some responses if you wanted to consider them. I will post a section from your poem and then in brackets my observation:
on a mind captivated
in depths imaginable (I longed for the more exciting meaning of 'unimaginable' e.g. 'obscure'
sunlight refracting
from tile gritty floor ('gritty tile floor')
beneath a thick
sunproof
soundproof shroud (repetition of 'proof' felt too much - maybe an alternative here)
Esker
Sat, 2016-06-25 17:15
'Tiles gritty floor'
like; leaves tree green..
being out there in thought process all the time
the visual prompt brings me back
although I see the point
about writing in a more direct line
the reader would stumble on this
I like the repetition
like..
"I was raining heavy
raining cats and dogs..."
but
maybe in shortened poet
free style storyline
its a stutter blunt!
hmm
eleanor prince
Mon, 2016-06-27 16:32
To Esker re 'tiles gritty floor'
hmm... yes... true!
Just a side point - I read the first line here too fast and got excited about thinking it was 'like leaves tea green' (simply because it would be a touch unexpected and interesting) and that tends to keep the reader's mind alive - then again, tea green leaves are more brown and less lush so may not be the look you're after - but you get the idea :)
Esker
Fri, 2016-07-01 17:29
I trim the little trails with a mitre saw
easier to carry and its a fine tooth too not be too raking a cut
i was obsessed with it for a time...it went from being unused mostly
to now steady traffic..not a large stretch...mostly straight up the hydro
cut..around the old reservoir mostly removed..an interesting feature
'Tea Green' u are correct in that that reference is a browning leaf!
I was thinking more of Green Tea....reversing it would make it seem
less intrusive as the commercial image of a brand would leap out
rather then the softer suffusion of its reversal....and I had already
placed the eyes on the female character as green....but the writing
is not gender specific at times...in the beginning the writing was more
in depth with visual cues...almost fairy tale but of course modernized
green tea shimmering....but no...thats not her eyes either...I am grateful
too your comments and your clever catch and sharing of insightful
meaning and word play on this...facets of writing we take for granted
at times..tweaking the system....'tile's gritty floor' we were not clean
freaks but we knew cloth and mop..bucket..etc..I see the squares...
old linoliuem...probably asbestoes...thinking like people the character
of it new...compared to its wear..the dirt becomes intimate and personal
U see I never barely write much of expression..more the mood or
atmosphere like some writers do..but I note that too in personal...
gritty is always a nod or ode to the detailing...the gritty details of
peoples lives.....her somewhat concern..(but Love) of the character
on the bed holding on....and the involvements of the light but sensed
complexiities...i write from a posessional standpoint...its in me to claim
what i write..or try to understand or struggle with the multitude of
interpersonal friendships and relationships over the years...a most
interesting and arduos task too try to deciper in short ...very short
little poems per day...Thank U very much for the work involved in this
I greatly appreciate your stopping by!!
sincerley Mr Wolf!
Esker
Sat, 2016-06-25 17:18
imaginable
opposite of using words like Obscure etc..
a flip play on
U cant imagine..so right away its a challenge
..
eleanor prince
Sat, 2016-06-25 16:02
To Esker - 5th Stanza
4th is great - love the metaphor re the iris colour
5ht stanza
a starfish crawling
beneath a lens
google
black-rimmed eyes (putting black on this line or too disjointed)
close mine ('close to mine'?)
currents spin
with kisses (replaces 'and kisses')
on each eyelid
soft as sediment
falling to bury
Esker
Sat, 2016-06-25 17:17
close;mine
mine are closed.....
Close Mine..and i know it needs
punctuation
Is a play on words..
closed mind..
the senses pick up
more aural
..
could have written
another poem
beyond that..
about that
eleanor prince
Mon, 2016-06-27 16:35
I see - yes, I missed that,
I see - yes, I missed that, sorry. I was probably not looking at this point at the metaphoric intent as much as the nuts and bolts of the structure - all good! Much enjoyed poem and thanks for letting me have a go at giving my take on how I respond to this piece - I know it is never easy with something we have created as we see it a certain way - nonetheless we are wanting it to portray what we intend to the wider reading public hence the feedback can be of value. Thanks again for an enjoyable interchange.