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You are the prisoner of your own tongue,
diminished to a minnow, spat into a puddle;
by one wrong word, you came undone
and now you're in a man-made muddle
She wears her scorn now, on shoulders,
shuddering under a brow black shawl;
you thought it would make you bolder
and that thought traversed the wall
And made it past your guarded lips,
and wouldn't mean anything at all.
You've made a widow of those hallowed hips,
and a widower of passion who falls
on the mercy of a shrine to this fate:
where two hearts, swollen black with hate;
enfold and dismantle every gentle kiss
and all the gathered moments come too late
To hide a truth, that you laid bare,
dull thudding like a dental pain
The truth is that you were never there
and time will remind you, over again
You'll keep, in generational wounds,
your longing spirit, distilling;
that fear woven solitude looms,
and the time will go on killing.
Comments
Keith Logan
Mon, 2016-04-04 13:07
Grammar
Hello vandiemenspeak,
You have a fine grasp of rhyme.
Rhythm lets you down a little.
I could not follow the thread of your thoughts as laid down.
Maybe you should edit this a little and fix the grammar.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
vandiemenspeak
Thu, 2016-04-07 07:00
Hey Keith.
Granted, it does need work, i thought i had it in "rough draft" - and i do intend to come back to this - soon.
Thanks.
Chris Hall - Tasmania
Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.
alidzain
Mon, 2016-04-04 17:45
Hi there!
I love rhyme and imagery.
Alid
vandiemenspeak
Thu, 2016-04-07 07:01
Thanks again Alid
Glad you enjoyed, will be getting a polish this one.
Chris Hall - Tasmania
Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.
Parthy
Fri, 2021-08-27 03:14
Hello
I enjoyed the read some interesting thoughts as it is a first draft there is time to adjust the syntax and some of the punctuation eg First stanza.
You are the prisoner of your own tongue,
diminished to a minnow, spat into a puddle
by one wrong word, you came undone,
now you're in a man-made muddle.