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A Terza Rima...( Three Classic Forms WS)
Those shadows hanging round my empty room
are hounding dreams that dwelled so long in dark
they dim at times then flash again and loom.
I often dreamt of blessed lands to lark
about and join the birds on trees and fly
up high to leave upon the clouds a mark.
I dreamt of children who shall never cry
but joy their youth and land upon the moon
with laughs to moisture air that once was dry.
I dreamt of days and nights that are a boon
I dreamt of love and hope to glow and shine
I dreamt of peace to soar in skies so soon
when shadows blew away those dreams of mine.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
An older write that haven't collected enough comments
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
judyanne
Wed, 2012-05-02 03:05
this is beautiful rula
an excellent terza rima ... and perfect iambic pentameter too :)
i especially love the concept of
'I dreamt of children who shall never cry
but joy their youth and land upon the moon
with laughs to moisture air that once was dry'
but - lol - you know me by now :)
i think the second lines needs work
my suggestion
'their joyful youth to land upon the moon'
i love the text of this write
- those shadows ... so well described by saying what is lost rather than actually dwell the write about them
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Thu, 2012-05-03 00:11
Hi..
Hello Juddy and thanks for bringing this forth ...
I really like this piece . It is one of the pieces that mr. Wesley
assigned to practice the iambic meter..It took me a lot of effort
and I am really satisfied and happy with it..I am not sure I am
going to change that line, but that doesn't mean that I don't
highly appreciate your suggestion. I am sure there are at least a
million way to say the same sentence ..Thanks dear Juddy
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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alidzain
Tue, 2016-01-12 08:04
Salam, Rula
I don't have to tell you how good this is, so all I can say is well done.
Alid
Rula
Wed, 2016-01-13 06:35
thank you Khalid
my pleasure.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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wesley snow
Tue, 2016-01-12 14:39
Ah, but I have a problem with it.
You are missing your four line envoy. Go back to the beginning of the thread for directions. Two of the lines rhyme with parts of the last stanza and two rhyme with themselves.
The envoy is that section of the poem where it is brought together. Generalizing (if that's a word) all of what you said.
Remember the rule: Tell them what you are going to say, say it and then tell them what you said.
The third part of that business is the "envoy", meaning "last words".
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Rula
Wed, 2016-01-13 06:39
are you sure sir
that the envoy is not there, I am sure I wrote it :)
Here it's again for your reference:
I dreamt of days and nights that are a boon
I dreamt of love and hope to glow and shine
I dreamt of peace to soar in skies so soon
when shadows blew away those dreams of mine.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Esker
Tue, 2016-01-12 16:24
good ..no great poem...my working!
"when shadows blew away the dreams of which were mine"
oh Palestine..Oh Isrieal
Love your poems....
our sheltered driven underground
social shit for my city
is not the heated shot for shot
life of others
thats day too day
we have ours
tainted when it rains
twas U whom guided me
on certian advise
and Im glad
Rula the wise!!
if U make it too eighteen your beating odds
if you make it to thirty another round
on the roulette wheel
and forty.....well...ur an old hand!!!!!!!!!
me...I was snake eyes
I would have been a runner
im certian
the snipers looking
sad but true
awesome poem!
though...even though
its so very true
and very very
sad Rula!
:(
Rula
Wed, 2016-01-13 06:42
Oh Steve
How kind of you to leave such a kind comment.
I am sorry too that it IS all true.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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wesley snow
Wed, 2016-01-13 22:05
I must have been tired when I read it.
.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
Joan Rolls
Fri, 2016-01-15 05:17
Its beautiful rula
Its beautiful rula
Rula
Fri, 2016-01-15 06:49
Thank you Joan
..
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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