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Intense
Eyes close when lips meet
and reopen when they part
in between is bliss
matters not how long or short
but how deep is the desire
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Editing stage:
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Comments
mand
Wed, 2014-12-03 03:31
Hi there Raj - This is a very
Hi there Raj - This is a very nice senryu tanka ( I think )
I like the imagery and passion of this one! There is only one change I would make.
( only a suggestion to consider )
I wondered if the second verse would sound better without the "do"
Here's a possible alternative: "and reopen when they part" But of course it's up to you..
Apart from that it's a great poem!
Keep safe
Love Mand xxxxx
raj
Wed, 2014-12-03 12:08
Hi Mand
Thank you for the read and your suggestion which is already implemented :) In fact I have slightly modified the last line too because "rather depth of desire" was seeming like 8 syllables.
Thank you too for your encouraging comment.
much love and hugz..
raj (sublime_ocean)
mand
Thu, 2014-12-04 02:58
Hi Raj
I like it better now! it flows better! :) xxxx
raj
Thu, 2014-12-04 12:58
Hi Mand
Thanks for re-visiting this page and good to know that you now feel it reads better.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
judyanne
Wed, 2014-12-03 12:41
hi raj
Aa little nugget of truth - I like this
however - even though it doesn't really matter, your last verse has only 6 syllables
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
raj
Wed, 2014-12-03 13:07
Hi Judyanne
Good to know you liked this. Are you saying desire is not 3 syllables? Thinking that it is 3 syllables i changed the last line which was "rather depth of desire"...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
judyanne
Wed, 2014-12-03 13:19
I checked the dictionary just now
Two syllables
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
raj
Wed, 2014-12-03 13:38
Thanks Juddyanne
for coming back to this page and your confirmation that 'desire' is a 2 syllable word..so i will once again now switch back the last line to "rather depth of the desire"...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
lovedly
Wed, 2014-12-03 13:07
beautiful
i tried counting syllables
then realised
tis waste of time
just read raj underscore sublime
each word worth a dozen dime
raj
Wed, 2014-12-03 13:08
Thanks Lovedly for your vist
Thanks Lovedly for your visit and appreciate comment.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
lovedly
Wed, 2014-12-03 16:58
great
u r being read
our poetrys no one has read yet
raj
Thu, 2014-12-04 12:59
Thanks Lovedly
Appreciate your reading and commenting.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)