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STAPLEDMATCHLOOK
syrup in these crystalline
image
a spoon poised in amber
deep
swallowing the light
like the hand of night
an hours clasp
touching the pulse
like a black beetle
scrawled
legged
upon his throne
in a wire wound
the silence room
all starpowered
widths
on a hip of a forgotten
sleeper
are the words of a second
guessed dream
grasped
in a link
when morning
shattered
in
a new principle
of garments
from the corner
sweat dust
and time
seeped
in
like the ringed finger
against the cold plate
of steel
the aroma of
passage
in the rich leather hide
the pulled punched holes
like a faded bus ticket
on an iron grate
storm drain
Editing stage:
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Comments
scribbler
Sun, 2014-07-20 22:14
Hey Esker
There's a great deal to like in this one. But I have a few ideas for you to consider. Some of them might just be typo correction but there's no way for me to be sure considering your unique style lol . So here's the poem with suggestions included :
Syrup in the crystalline
image
A spoon poised in amber,
deep
swallowing the light
like the cupped hand of night.
an hour's clasp
touching the pulse
like a black beetle
scrawl legged
upon his throne
in cable bound
* stanza 4 is such that I have no idea what it means
on one hip
of a forgotten sleeper
lie the words
of a second guessed dream
in a link broken
when morning
shattered
in
a new principle
from garments
abandoned in a corner
sweat, dust
and time
seeped in
like a finger, ringed
against a cold plate
of steel
the aroma of passage
wafts
from the rich leather hide
and holes punched
like a faded bus ticket
on an iron grated
storm drain
I have hopes that these changes Don't betray what you're trying to convey while also making it a bit easier on the reader.........stan PS I liked the metaphoric imagery
Esker
Mon, 2014-07-21 02:14
Ringer! horsehoe term
excellent breakdown of the poem
with inclusion about delayed mystery
portions...this is excellent Scribbler!
reworking these is like taffy making
or folding steel...
kneading bread..
ie that the physical working
is the flow...one stanza to the
next..
i can even look at this now..
see how the "the"s can
be removed and at the endings
pull them out more..
flip the words about
"swallow light
in nights cupped palms"
those few changes here
completely smoothing the
ordinary useage of
"the" "like" and lesser
verbs..adverbs whatever
those things are..
"an"
thanks again for the
tidying up on this
and presenting it
in a more appealing
run....
it is what workshops are
about and how the old ones
went about writing each
other back and forth
with physical mail
thank you!
scribbler
Mon, 2014-07-21 13:04
hi
Glad to have been a bit of help........stan
lovedly
Sun, 2014-07-20 22:23
i don't think u have the tym
to indulge in suggestions
your ink is beyond imagination
how you syrup up
only u know
we ll just think in wonderment
dear Esker
by now that you know
Esker
Mon, 2014-07-21 02:19
time...
its a math concept and that part of me is mia
i do like comments....and im trying to get into
this more....responding is everything
here.....
it is...
i dont think that i could write and put poems
in a box so when i die others can dig them
out and publish them...
i dont think i can handle much of the spotlight
i love hate this...ego...survival
but the persona is human..
i think the work deserves to be
recognized and have that exposure
thank you