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Jane
If we could,
let us dance this once
like graceful birds,
or galaxies entwined
in a grand enactment,
like bees over swollen flowers
just you and I, a pair
before the night goes out
and day discovers that
I am just a fascination
and your body is a song.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words:
A love poem
Editing stage:
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Comments
AnnaNJ
Sun, 2014-02-23 18:29
this is beautiful.
Your descriptions are lovely. I especially like the comparison to galaxies. And your word use is great too. Very descriptive without being too wordy. Solid poem.
William Saint George
Tue, 2014-02-25 09:42
Thanks ^^ .
Thanks ^^
.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
Seren
Tue, 2014-02-25 09:37
William,
Sigh, I cant offer anything except that this is beautiful. I loved all of it
If we could,
let us dance this once
like graceful birds,
or galaxies entwined
in a grand enactment,
like bees over swollen flowers
just you and I, a pair
before the night goes out
and day discovers that
I am just a fascination
and your body is a song.
only thing I would break it up like this other than that small thing I can offer nothing else
beautiful work
love JC xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
William Saint George
Tue, 2014-02-25 09:41
This makes sense. Thanks JC :
This makes sense. Thanks JC :)
.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
Rula
Tue, 2014-02-25 09:59
I agree
this is beautiful...But, no punctuation?!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
William Saint George
Tue, 2014-02-25 11:21
In the poem? There is.
In the poem? There is.
I only punctuated sparingly. The poem is actually one long sentence.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/