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Bye Bye Woes (Rhyme Pattern #1 SS) Rula’s re-written by weirdelf
RE-WRITE
Slam your heavy woes
for nothing merits pain
after promising day's gain
a pristine twilight shows
Clean the smell of hatred
with love we always grow
and profit in tomorrow
for time should not be wasted
Now, hurry up! come on dear
and put your hand in mine
our ways with gold will shine
with our intentions clear
Happiness gleans no dust
think not of the poor past
sorrows could not last
when in our future we place trust
ORIGINAL
Slam your heavy pains, woes
for nothing merits pain
A pristine twilight shows
a promisin' day to gain.
Clean the smell of hatred
with love we better grow
time shouldn't be 'ver wasted
profit in the morrow.
Now, hurry! come on dear
and put your hand in mine
when good intentions clear
our ways with gold will shine.
As happ'ness lingers
think not of the poor past
Don't moan, cross the fingers
sorrows can never last.
Comments
judyanne
Mon, 2012-08-13 04:05
'when in our future we do trust'
my only crit jess
maybe simply
'when in our future we trust' ?
also
'after promising days gain' - 'day's' ?
well re-written, takes a little of the hallmarky away imo
abba scheme seems to be the main conjecture of lessening the sing-song it seems
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
weirdelf
Mon, 2012-08-13 04:08
thanks Judy,
yes
'when in our future we do trust'
bothers me too, that 'do', there's a catch in the scansion without it and a forced feeling with it.
will fix day's
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
judyanne
Mon, 2012-08-13 04:11
maybe then
'when in our future we place trust' ?
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
weirdelf
Mon, 2012-08-13 04:27
good one!
done!
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Sat, 2012-08-18 08:42
Hi
When we in our future trust might work
Rula
Wed, 2012-08-15 13:17
I am really sorry
I am late to give a comment on your great work jess. It is indeed nice though I always prefered the abab rhyme but it is not of course your fault. I really loved the last stanza , very well polished indeed :
Happiness gleans no dust
think not of the poor past
sorrows could not last
when in our future we place trust
Thanks again, Great work done for a simple halmarky work ![smiles]
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-08-16 12:14
thank you Rula,
I was concerned I had screwed it up for you.
Oh, and part of the exercise was to change the rhyme scheme.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Ian.T
Fri, 2012-08-17 18:27
Jess
A very good change to the original and has your flair for form in there.
Small point in the second Stanza the last line goes:-
"for time should not be wasted" Can you say why the FOR is there?
Is it essential to the form of the piece?? other wise nothing to fault, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-08-17 20:39
for is a synonym for beacuse.
that's why
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Ian.T
Sat, 2012-08-18 02:36
Jess
Yep, I realised that it was for because, just thought it was extra to requirements, so assumed it was for meter or the line form..??
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-08-18 10:39
my comment made no sense
I'll try again
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Ian.T
Sat, 2012-08-18 03:34
Jess
The (for) at the beginning of that line could have been left off.
But if it is there to make a correctly balanced line as you do then its OK.
I know that For is used in place of Because as it is a synonym for because.
I thought that it just wasn't needed in that line ??
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-08-18 12:59
yep, it's just for meter
My very bad. I could have done it better. Without "for" the line is more profound.
I always stressed in meter workshops that words should not be used for meter alone. I fucked up. Hey, I might be good, but I'm not perfect.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Roscoe Lane
Sat, 2012-08-18 03:10
First time,
First time in a workshop, so i hope you'll forgive any mistakes. Jess i like what you've done to this poem, only thing that keeps popping into my head is. Verse one, line one. Clean the smell of hatred, i keep wanting to put . Clear our smells of hatred. Anyway i would like to enter into your workshop programme, would that be ok . Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-08-18 13:01
good critique!
yes, of course you are welcome, ask Stan, it's his workshop.
Also check out Judyanne's and Beau's new workshop on critique.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Sat, 2012-08-18 08:45
Hi Jess
I think changging to the abba pattern did well in decreasing the SS quality..............stan
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-08-18 13:03
ta mate,
the poem itself shows that serious content doesn't negate SS. Remember my blog on serious limericks?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Sat, 2012-08-18 22:26
LOL
Yes I remember but serious limerick would be an oxymoron. Kinda like a light-hearted dirge................stan